Leslie Cane Articles

It’s usually a good idea to try to set some ground rules before you begin your trial or marital separation. Having a clear understanding of what is going to happen can help you avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Unfortunately, it’s common for each spouse to have a very different perception of “ground rules.” Usually, the spouse who wanted the separation will attempt to use the rules to limit contact, especially at first. And the spouse who wants to save the marriage will want rules that allow for more contact. This can leave both people frustrated and tempted to “just wait and see” when an agreement can’t be reached.

Someone might explain, “I am very reluctant about the trial separation that my husband wants. However, he has made it very clear that this is going to happen regardless of how I feel about it. I have asked him if we can set some ground rules before he actually moves out. He resisted this. He says that we don’t know what the future holds, and we can just figure it out as we go along. I know that this isn’t a good idea, but when I push for more, he says the only rule he wants is for me to respect his need for space. Backing away from him completely is not what I had in mind. I wanted us to agree to counseling, or to at least have regular meetings. He does not seem willing to commit to this right now. How do I set ground rules when the rules he wants just limits my access to him?”

I had this issue also. I think that the best thing that you can do is to gradually and carefully try to negotiate. Do not give up. If you do, you could be accepting less than you need. I can tell you that just “playing it by ear” sometimes means that you don’t see or hear from your husband until he feels generous with his time and attention. This can be very worrisome and frustrating.

Negotiating A Workable Plan: I know that it is tempting to just table this conversation and hope for the best. But in my own experience, that just ensures future frustration. Instead, make the offer that you will respect his need for space during the week if he will commit to speaking or meeting on the weekends. (If weekends are not feasible, then tweak the plan with a schedule that works for both of you. ) This way, you both get what you want and you have less of a chance of drifting apart or going for long periods of time without seeing one another.

A Sample Script: The conversation could go like this, ” I hear what you are saying, but I worry that my completely backing off will lead to us not communicating at all. A lack of communication will only make things worse. Let’s negotiate and agree that I will respect your need for space Monday through Friday if you will commit to us communicating or seeing one another on the weekends. I’m not asking for constant contact, but I do want to regularly touch base so that we stay on track. I’m not trying to tie you down to a rigorous schedule and I am willing to have some flexibility as long as we are regularly touching base with one another. My biggest concern is that we will get into the habit of rarely speaking and, as a result, we will drift further and further apart. How do you feel about this? Can we come to an understanding regarding contact and how and when we will communicate?”

Listening Is Just As Important As Talking: Then really listen to what he has to say. His response will tell you a great deal about how he is approaching this separation. But, by offering to give him what he wants if he will compromise with you, you are showing a willingness to participate in the give and take of this evolving relationship. (This skill that is going to be very important as you try to save your marriage.)

Re-Evaluate If Necessary: If he still refuses to budge, it may be best to respect his need for space and try again later. Once he sees that you are not going to try to get him to settle for less, he may be more willing to negotiate at a later time. Whatever you do, do not settle into a routine where you rarely speak, wonder what is happening with him, and then become desperate. As much as possible, you want to maintain control and calm with this process. Ironing out the details (and therefore knowing what to expect) makes this easier.

If he won’t negotiate now, wait and then try again a little later. Always remember that the goal is to maintain access so that you can very gradually bring him closer to you. He’s obviously resistant to this right now, so you will have to accept small concessions as they come and then methodically ask for more when he is more receptive.

Sometimes, once a husband gets some time away, he gains perspective and becomes more willing to work with you, since he sees that you are going to hold up your end of the bargain. Often, this process takes a great deal of patience and determination. Some days, it will feel as if you are moving at a snail’s pace. But do not allow yourself to get discouraged. Stay the course. Because the alternative is to just allow fate to dictate the course of your marriage. And your marriage is too important to leave to chance.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage when my husband was initially very disinterested and distant at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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