Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most of us decide to save our marriages on our own because it has become clear that our husband isn’t on board. He may tell us that he’s sure the marriage is over. He may move out. Or he may make it crystal clear that he’s not willing to do any heavy lifting to save your marriage.

Many of the things that we suspect would work – such as counseling, scheduling productive date nights, or focusing on rebuilding the intimacy leave him cold. It becomes clear that he won’t help, so we decide that we’re going to have to do this on our own, and alone – at least at first.

Many of us have a good deal of resolve and determination in the beginning. We figure if we just stay the course and keep going, he will eventually join us, however begrudgingly. When that doesn’t happen, or he openly resists you, or tons of time goes by and he seems even further away from you, it can be easy to lose hope.

Someone might describe it this way, “I am doing everything to save my marriage by myself. I believe that my husband is indifferent to the sorry state our marriage is in. He has spoken about a separation, which terrifies me. So I’ve begged him to try various things first, like counseling or working on our relationship. His response was that nothing was going to work, and that our only option was to try giving each other space and time. Well, I don’t see how these things are going to help. I’ve tried to be more cheerful and accommodating. I’ve made regular dinner reservations, and have even researched trips to help us reconnect. My husband is extremely lukewarm about both. It’s as if he’s determined to thwart every effort that I make if it’s related to our marriage. He wants nothing to do with any of it. I started out thinking that if I worked hard enough, I could do this single-handedly. But now, reality is setting in. How can I save my marriage if he’s determined that it can’t be saved? Or if he is ready to walk out the door?”

Believe me, I understand how easy it is to be overcome with a sense of helplessness. But giving in to these feelings will actually increase the likelihood that you aren’t successful. I know this because every time I got discouraged during my own separation (and sometimes with good reason) things got worse all the way around. But when I forced myself to calm down and not panic, I was able to see things more clearly and the situation improved. Below, I’ll offer some tips that I learned the hard way. I hope they give you some perspective that will make you feel a bit more optimistic.

Understand That You Might Not Get Immediate Gratification. Changing Perceptions Requires Introspection, Which Takes Time: For you to eventually be successful in saving your marriage, your husband has to change his mind from thinking that nothing is going to work to conceding that real change is possible and might just be enough. There are several leaps needed in his thinking. There are several points along the way where he will need to change his perceptions.

This isn’t so much of a giant leap as a series of small steps along the way. So this is obviously going to take some time. That means you will need to be much more patient than you want to be, especially if you have a very reluctant husband who appears to be thwarting your attempts, which leads me to my next point.

If He’s Aggressively Resisting You, Be Much Less Obvious With Your Tactics: I know that what I’m about to say may not be a welcome message. But I learned that sometimes when my husband was most pushing back against my efforts to save our marriage, this was when I most needed to back off.

And I fully realize that I’m suggesting you do the exact opposite of what every instinct is telling you that you should do. I understand the panic when you feel him pull away as you think that time is running out.

But stop and think. When he’s already pulling away, is pushing him harder with the same unsuccessful strategy going to get you anything other than more of the same? It’s unlikely. It’s more likely that he’s going to push back even harder, which only deteriorates the situation even more.

Don’t Ruminate And Double Down. Pause, Regroup, And Keep It Simple: I know how it is when you’re caught in this panicked cycle. You might even know that you need to step away, but you’re so flustered that you keep right on, even though you know it’s not in your best interest. You can’t seem to stop yourself.

This is exactly when it’s important to pause in any way that you can. During my own separation, I went out of town. But you don’t have to do something so drastic.

Just distract yourself with things that are not directly related to your marriage for a few days and regroup. If he’s not excited about dinners or trips, stop putting these things on the table. Perhaps he’d be more willing to grab a quick cup of coffee, especially if you limit your conversation to something very simple, like your shared love of your favorite sports team. Take the small concessions he gives, even when you want so much more.

Know that if you end each tiny little interaction on a positive note, then you’re going to get another shot at it. And another. And another. Do you see what I mean when I say it’s a series of events? It’s so important to understand this. And if one in the series of these events goes wrong, back off. Regroup and then try again when its safe to do so.

It’s not unusual to have to step back and try something new that he will accept more readily. This is okay. It’s just important to not get discouraged, turn negative, or give up.

It’s so easy to lose hope right now because he’s not giving an inch. You feel like you’re carrying the entire load all alone. But it may not always be this way. When you are patient and deliberate, you can accumulate a series of successes that will restore your hope and put you on the path to changing his mind about your marriage. It probably won’t happen overnight. But it most certainly can happen.

You’re welcome to read about how I eventually saved my marriage (even with a husband who was initially very unwilling) at https://isavedmymarriage.com 

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