Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could tell you that most people have a seamless marital separation where they begin communicating more effectively and conclude that they want to stay together after all. I wish that were true. But it isn’t. Instead, many people have messy separations. They have the kind of separation where they’re filled with doubt and fear. They have the kind of separation where it feels as if things are getting worse and not better.

Someone might explain: “I honestly did everything in my power to avoid a separation because I knew it was going to implode on me. I knew that things were likely to go wrong, and I was right. My husband and I misunderstand one another more than ever. I have no idea what is going on with him because he avoids me. I’m afraid that he’s found someone else, although he refuses to talk about that. He makes assumptions about me that just aren’t true, but when I try to clarify, he is resistant. I feel we’re further apart than we’ve ever been. What can you do when it feels like every single thing in your separation has gone wrong?”

Don’t get irrevocably discouraged. I know firsthand that things can change. My separation looked completely hopeless, and yet I am married today. I can’t claim that I did everything right. In fact, I did most things wrong – at least in the beginning. But I did right some of my mistakes within enough time to change the tide somewhat. Here are some things that I believe can be helpful:

Be Very Careful With Communication: One of the biggest mistakes I see is that people become more emotional and less rational about their communication. When this happens, communication can become less frequent at a time when you need regular communication. 

The goal is truly for communication to go well enough that it will happen again and again and build on itself until it improves the relationship. This can be a slow and gradual process. But if you approach communication in the wrong way, you can stop it in its tracks – which you cannot afford.

You are better off accepting small talk if that is all you can do successfully and then building from there. If you’re not having success with deep topics or deep talks about your relationship, back off for a bit and build back up. 

Honestly Examine What Went Wrong and How You Can Start to Right the Ship Alone: I’m not naive enough to think that anyone can solve all of their marital problems alone, but I know from my own experience that you can address the mistakes that you made alone. You can address any personal issues that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage alone.

You can examine where things are going wrong during the separation, and you can – at least on your end – stop participating in any behaviors that are tearing your marriage down rather than building it up.

In other words, you can work on your side of things to make the circumstances as positive as you can. Because if your husband sees positive changes coming from you, he may hop on board.

Stop Yourself When You Feel It Going Off the Rails: It took me way too long to learn that I absolutely should not double down when things began to go wrong.

If my husband and I disagreed during my separation, I would try to explain myself more forcefully or repeat the same old things. Not only did this not endear me to my spouse, he stopped listening because he knew he’d hear the same old refrain.

Eventually, I learned that when things went spectacularly wrong, I was better off just agreeing to disagree until we could come at it in another way later. Often, it’s much better to delay than to intensify.

Find an Outlet for Your Emotions: Along those same lines, if you feel unstable, are having trouble coping, or feel like you’re getting out of control, find a way to let out your frustrations or emotions.

You can do this via exercise, journaling, hobbies, spending time with others, taking a class, or seeking therapy. There are so many things that you can do rather than engage in negative feelings and behaviors. I know that it is a challenge. I know that you have to redirect yourself. But you will be doing yourself a huge favor if you find a way to take your negative energy and turn it into something healing and positive.

You’re sort of waiting during your separation and have more time on your hands anyway, so why not use that for good? Why not use that to make things better so that when you and your husband do reconcile, you are a better version of yourself? 

Have Patience and Read His Cues: This might be the hardest thing that I’m asking you to do. But sometimes, you have to accept that reconciliation may not come in the timeline you wanted. It certainly didn’t for me. And I had to learn to distract myself so that I wouldn’t push. Because when I pushed, I only added additional time because my husband became even more frustrated with me.

Another thing that will help is to read your husband’s cues. If he is not receptive to your line of communication, then notice that and then stop and go another route. Learn not to make things worse. Learn to wait, regroup, and try again.  

But don’t dig yourself even deeper as your husband becomes more and more frustrated with you and with the situation. 

I know that everything I said is easier said than done.  I struggled with it, too.  But once I eventually had the self-discipline not to rush into the same old mistakes and behaviors, everything changed. You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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