Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives intuitively know when they are facing separation or divorce. They can deeply sense that their husband is no longer happy, invested, or participating in the marriage. Many of them are desperately looking for ways to restore intimacy, closeness, and affection, but they wonder if any of these goals are possible. 

One of the wives might say, ” I’m not stupid. I know that my husband has fallen out of love with me. I can see it in the way that he looks at me and in the way that he no longer makes me the most important thing in his life. He tolerates me. He lives around me. But his face doesn’t light up when he sees me anymore. He doesn’t include me in important decisions. He doesn’t share his goals or fears with me anymore. Honestly, he rarely tells me about his day. It’s like I just live on the periphery of his life. I strongly suspect that he is going to ask me for a separation soon. We haven’t even eaten dinner together in the last couple of months, and it’s been a long time since we’ve even had sex. He doesn’t even try. It is like he is numb toward me. I miss his loving gestures and his attention. Is there any way I can make him love me like he used to again?”

I believe that you can, because I have done it – although it was quick or easy. Below, I’ll provide tips on how to encourage genuine loving feelings when it feels like your marriage is falling apart. I hope they help.

Examine What You Have Access to – Your Own Actions:  I know that it may be difficult to take a hard look at yourself because that feels like assigning blame, and no one person is to blame when a marriage goes south.

But your own behaviors and actions are things that you both have access to and can change. Not only that but making necessary changes can directly affect (and improve) the outcome of your marriage. And it will show your husband that you are serious about real change.

Try to determine if you are participating in some common behaviors that happen to marriages in trouble. From my own experience and research, I know that wives in this situation often resort to reactionary behavior as either a way to protect themselves or to try to make things better. 

Here is one example: One way that some wives react when they feel their marriage slipping away is that they, themselves pull away because they are hurt. They retreat into their own worlds because they suspect that is what their husband wants them to do. 

He isn’t engaging with them, so why even try? Plus, this self-imposed isolation feels more comfortable when you are constantly being rejected.

However, as a result of this pulling away, neither party is getting much GENUINE affection or attention because the wives themselves have retreated as a defense mechanism to keep from becoming more hurt than they already are. 

To rebuild intimacy, both partners must be willing to be vulnerable and participate fully. You have to “let down the walls” so to speak so that he can come in when things improve.

The second way that I see people react is that they may overcompensate for the distance by becoming clingy, overbearing, or insincere. 

They may put on a “fake” show and shower their husband with overdone affection and attention in an attempt to right the ship.

Unfortunately, this approach can cause your husband to feel suffocated and manipulated, and as a result, he may tune you out, withdraw, or shut down – which only leads to further disconnection.  

Keep in mind that your husband knows you very well and will know when you are putting on a show for his benefit.

Yes, I realize that these are both opposite sides of the same coin, but it’s very common for wives in this situation to swing to extremes – they’re either too clingy or not affectionate because they just aren’t sure how to act. 

Show Him How to Give What You Need: To lure your husband into loving you again, lead by example. 

Consider what you want from him and ask yourself if you’re providing the same in return. If you want more affection or appreciation, show him genuine gestures of love and gratitude. Remember that you’re encouraging your husband how to treat you through your own actions.

When I was in this situation, I tried to ask myself when was the last time I laughed with my husband? When was the last time I approached him in ways that would lift his spirits, lighten his load, or make him feel loved? The truth was I didn’t because I was afraid of yet more rejection.  

And so things just continued to deteriorate and become worse and worse. 

Take an Honest Look at the Personality of Your Marriage: This may sound silly, but a good therapist once encouraged me to think about the “personality” and “culture” of my marriage. 

She asked if I would describe my marriage as cold and distant or light-hearted and loving. Of course, at the time, it was the first option. But she encouraged me to understand that if I could make it loving and playful again, we might actually stand a chance. 

My marriage at its worst point looked very different than my marriage in its early stages. And I needed to work towards restoring the fun, loving, and affectionate qualities that were present when we were first dating 

I figured that if I could do this, I’d remind my husband about what he loved about me in the first place, which might slowly, gradually, bring about a shift. (And that strategy eventually worked.)

Because if I was being honest, the scared, scattered, and dull woman I saw in the mirror every morning was a far cry from the vibrant, funny, and engaged woman my husband dated. I knew I had to get her back to stand even the slightest chance. 

I absolutely understand where you are right now. But with a bit of skill and luck, you can change the trajectory. I was able to shift the downward momentum of my marriage, end the separation, and return the intimacy and affection. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/