Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who feel pretty desperate. Their husband has left the home, and they are quite afraid that a divorce or separation is on the horizon. They feel as if they have to work fast, before he’s completely gone for good. They are often looking for a workable plan or a road map. They want to know, step by step, which plan has the best chance of working in getting him back.

Of course, every situation is unique, and I certainly can’t make any guarantees. But, I can tell you a strategy that has worked for me and many others. Fair warning, though. It involves some acting as well as proceeding in a way that may not be intuitive, at least at first. I will describe these steps in the following article.

Step One After He Leaves: Set Yourself Up So That You Have Access To Him: The number one worry that you are going to have in the beginning is that you are able to communicate with him (and hopefully see him) while he’s gone. Yet, so many of us set it up so that the opposite is quite possible. We act desperately, focus on negative emotions, and cling so tightly that it’s his inclination to want to get away just that much faster.

You’re going to have to be very mindful of your reactions in the initial stages of this process. It’s very important that you set it up so that you’re going to have a decent amount of access to him. How do you do that? You resist the urge to focus on the negative. You don’t act irrationally or desperately. You frame the situation so that he knows that you value both of your happiness and want to strengthen the relationship rather than weaken it.

Step Two: Let The Distance Work To Your Advantage: When I said that you need access to your husband, I meant that. But, it’s also important that this be controlled access. Speaking of control, you’re going to need to have firm control over your emotions, at least to the best of your ability. Your husband has likely left because he perceives several things. He likely wants some time and space to think about how to proceed. He likely thinks that the relationship is at a point where it can not change for the better. And, he might suspect that he would be happier without you than with you. He wants to test this out, so to speak, to see if these perceptions are correct.

It’s vitally important that you set it up that when he thinks of you, he doesn’t dwell on the negative connotations. If you nag, stalk, argue with, or engage with him, then you are very often doing more harm than good. You’re setting it up that when he thinks of you, he just thinks of how glad he is to have his distance, and he just might suspect that his suspicions were dead on.

This is the opposite of what you want. You want to conduct yourself with integrity and to show him exactly the person that you want him to see. Often, if you can leave him with positive rather than negative perceptions, he will begin to inch closer to thinking that his perceptions might have been wrong and perhaps he should reconsider. This is what you need to happen. So you always want to consider your actions with this in mind. You always want to ask yourself if what you are doing is going to bring him closer or push him further away.

Now, when you are apart, you can either see the distance as something very dangerous or you can set things up so that it works to your advantage. If he has positive perceptions, he is much more likely to miss you and think of you longingly. Keep in touch and connected, but don’t take this to extremes. You are much better off letting him contact you and acting in a positive manner when he does.

You want to come off as someone who loves her husband and is sorry about this process, but who also wants both of you to be happy and, to that end, is coping as best as she can while taking advantage of the distance she has agreed to. I never advocate insinuating that you are seeing other people, but there is nothing wrong with going out with friends and letting him know that you are still exciting, alluring, and fun to be around to others. He needs to see you as the laid-back, fun-loving, and positive person that he fell in love with. Do your best to ensure that he sees you this way as much as possible.

Step Three: When You Are Trying To Get Him Back: Do Not Push Him Away By Trying To Move Too Fast: It’s completely understandable that you want him to come back to you as soon as possible. But understand that this is a delicate dance. You are so much better off letting him set the pace. I can not tell you how many people tell me that everything with this plan was going very well and they felt they had gained a lot of ground, but then they let their guard down, and they pushed for too much too soon.

This often makes your husband doubt your sincerity and wonder if you are just playing a game to get him back. When this happens, your job only gets that much harder, and you have much more work to do than you did initially. You are much better off moving at a snail’s pace and allowing him to be the one who wants more.