Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I love hearing from or reading about folks who figured out deceptively simple but extremely effective ways to save or re-ignite their marriage. Even better, many of these methods don’t require much money – or even tons of time or effort. I’m going to share a few of these brilliant hacks in the hopes that they can help someone else.

Stop Trying For A Complete Overhaul Or An Immediate, Sweeping Change: Many of us feel that we can’t take another second of whatever issue is taxing our marriage or causing our unhappiness. Therefore, we have a way of amplifying that issue so that we see it as a permanent part of our spouse. In that way, the feelings that we have about the issue – the anger, the frustration, and the sadness – are increasingly directed at our spouse and decreasingly directed at the problem itself.

Because of this, it is incredibly common to want to overhaul our spouse. Our deteriorating marriage makes us believe that not only must he change immediately, but he must also change fully and completely. Of course, even when our intentions are good, our husband does not always embrace this overhaul. He’ll often feel defensive, resistant, or downright attacked. Sometimes, this process can actually feed the conflict and make it worse.

The husband might retaliate and insist that the wife also has fatal flaws that must change. So both people end up feeling very incapable and begin to wonder if the marriage is going to fail no matter what happens. You end up with a push and pull where no one wins, but both people feel jerked around.

I would never suggest that you ignore the troublesome issues in your marriage. You absolutely shouldn’t.

But you don’t always have to completely change or overhaul your spouse. Why would you want to when you used to love this person (and all his quirks) very much? Does he really need “fixing?” Making him the constant villain makes you a victim, and this is not the dynamic you want for a healthy marriage.

I’ve had people tell me that once they adjust their thinking and target the issue rather than their spouse, they are finally able to save their marriage. If you’re playing the blame game, stop. If you’re constantly beginning accusatory statements with “you,” change your wording to “we.” Decide that if he can’t or won’t give you what you need right now, then give it to yourself. Sometimes, we sit and wait for someone else to make us happy when we have the power to do that for ourselves all along.

Find Ways To Make His Life Better And Watch Yours Improve In-Kind: I don’t have to tell you that when your marriage is in trouble, advice has a way of finding you. Even if you don’t necessarily tell friends and loved ones about your issues, the people closest to you somehow seem to know anyway. And some of those people will take it upon themselves to give advice. Most of it is well-meaning. Not all of it is helpful.

Occasionally though, there is some GREAT advice offered. One example is the grandmother who told a couple that the secret to her long, happy marriage was to ask her husband, “How can I make your day better,” every night at dinner.

This question is great because it forces you and your spouse to communicate about things that go beyond small talk. But the benefits don’t stop there. Delving into life satisfaction and problem-solving every day means that you’re always communicating and sharing the parts of yourself that are often closed off.

It also ensures that your spouse is “your person” with whom to vent, with whom to heal, and with whom to solve problems. He becomes the person you know will always try to help you and who always has your back.

It also ensures that you know that every single day, you’re going to be heard. And this is one of the greatest basic human needs – to be heard. Having this need met solves a multitude of problems. It seems so simple, but the results are anything but.

Find A Joint Activity Where You Can Both Be Vulnerable And Learn Together: One of the biggest obstacles to saving your marriage is spending quality time together where you’re jointly focused on the same constructive thing at the same time. Often, couples who are struggling spend their time together in destructive ways so that their togetherness deteriorates their marriage rather than strengthening it.

To change this dynamic, find something that both of you are enthusiastic about trying and commit to doing it for thirty days – together. A popular option is working out because it is so constructive and it encourages vulnerability and trust. There are so many free “30-day challenges” on YouTube that offer any type of workout you can imagine from yoga to boxing.

Another option is reading a book series together, hiking, traveling to new places, taking a class, or pursuing a hobby. I know a couple who took up photography and fell in love with it so much that they now have a side hustle traveling to beautiful locations, taking photographs, and selling the end products. They don’t make tons of money, but they make enough to finance their new hobby, and they spend much more productive time together.

I hope this article has shown you that it doesn’t always need to be difficult or complicated to begin saving your marriage. Any one of these three suggestions could make a difference. All three done gradually could overhaul your marriage. And you don’t even need to tell your spouse what you are doing initially if you think he would be resistant. Just try one, reap the rewards, and then watch as he eventually becomes more and more receptive.

I wish I’d tried any of these hacks to save my own marriage.  Instead, I felt that we needed to make dramatic changes and try complicated exercises and lengthy therapy activities.  My husband was not on board with any of this and we separated.  Thankfully, I did eventually regroup and save my marriage.  (How I did it is at https:isavedmymarriage.com ) But I could have avoided much wasted time and pain by keeping it simple.

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