Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are not privy to how their husband feels during a trial separation. Often, he doesn’t exactly lie to you, but he keeps his feelings to himself. There are various reasons for this. Sometimes, he suspects that his wife is going to analyze everything that he says so it is just easier to not have to explain. Other times, he is unsure about what he is feeling (or his feelings change so often that it is not worth trying to verbalize them.)

These circumstances don’t keep wives from wanting to know what he is thinking and feeling. So, in today’s article, I thought that I would try to give some perspective on a husband’s thought process. I should preface this by saying that all husbands (and all marriages and their circumstances) are different. What is true of one husband may not be true of yours. Still, I thought it might be helpful to take what I’ve learned from my own husband and from other husbands who have spoken candidly with me about their own separations. I am hoping to take some of the mystery and fear out of this.

That said, I don’t want to paint this as all roses and sunshine. Being separated is often not our first choice and we can struggle to paint it as a positive no matter what our husband thinks or feels. I completely understand this, but I figure some perspective is better than no perspective at all.

Many Husbands Are As Torn As You Are: Many people who visit this blog are women who did not want the separation. So, the assumption would be that if you are reading this article, there is a good chance that your husband initiated the separation. You might assume that he was determined to go forward and sure that separation was the path that he wanted to take. However, this isn’t always 100% the case. Yes, many men convince themselves that separating is the prudent thing to do. But that doesn’t mean that they necessarily enjoy it or don’t have serious doubts about it.

Statistics show us that men are much more likely to remarry more often and more quickly in the event of a divorce. Why? Because men find comfort in marriage. It’s indisputable that married men are healthier and live longer. Many intuitively know that losing their marriage may negatively impact their lives. So yes, they can be just as torn and emotional as you are about this. But they are much less likely to show it.

Many Of Them Feel Loneliness, But They Won’t Necessarily Share This: Think about the adjustment that you have gone through if you are a newly separated wife. How quiet and odd does the house feel? Especially at night? We often assume that men don’t experience these same feelings because they initiated the separation. But, frankly, they often do. It is unrealistic to think that he is going to live in a strange house without his closest confidant being there for him and not then not feel off or lonely as a result. However, he may not admit this because – think about it. If he did, you’d likely think “well, you’re the one who wanted to separate and now you’re complaining about being lonely?” Yeah, that may not go so well for him. But many men that I have spoken with about this admitted that they went through bouts of loneliness and even depression while separated.

They Sometimes Feel A Bit Of Relief Too: I know that this might seem contradictory, but if you and your spouse had a volatile situation right before the separation or if your husband was craving more privacy and space, he may feel some relief to finally have a reprieve from the volatility. Many wives notice this when they are around their newly-separated husbands. However, this does not necessarily mean that he will always feel this way or that he’s decided that he is better off without you or without the marriage. It just means that it can be human nature to seek calm in the storm.

He Often Feels Nostalgic Feelings For You, But You Can Thwart That With Undesirable Behaviors: Believe it or not, many separated men admit to sometimes feeling longing and nostalgia when they are away from their wives. Once they are not with you all of the time, it is natural to miss you, no matter how bad things might have been. Many wives (including myself) are shocked at this because often, their husband acted in exactly the opposite way.

However, when my husband and I had frank discussions about this, I realized that much of the time, it was my own behavior that SOMETIMES caused my husband to react negatively to me. In his eyes, I was always demanded more reassurance, more information, and more guilt from him. At the time, he didn’t have these reassurances or the information that I wanted. But that didn’t stop me from pushing or from demanding it. As a result, sometimes he pulled away from me even when he was feeling nostalgia for me.

I make this point not to scare you but to caution you. When there is a separation that you didn’t want, it helps to make it work FOR you, not against you. One way to do this is to know that most of the time, your husband will at some point miss you and think longingly about you. Don’t sabotage this process by applying too much pressure during the separation. Instead, position yourself as someone who is at least trying to be supportive and patient. That way, when he does have those feelings, he has no reason to hide them or to keep this from you.

I hope that this article has helped. If you’d like to read the rest of the story of how I got my husband back. It is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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