Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane: Sometimes, people who know that they are coming up on their last chance to save their marriage have already been separated once or multiple times. Other times, their spouse has run out of patience and he isn’t sure if he loves them or wants the marriage.  As a result, he is being very blunt about this being their last chance.

A wife could say: “my husband and I have been separated twice. He has filed for divorce once, but then he eventually called it off. We have fought and then gotten back together more times than I can count. We are dealing with a lot of issues and problems. One of which is that he isn’t sure if he loves me anymore. And, we have some trust issues and differences in personalities also. Every time we get back together, I have high hopes that this time we will make it, but something always goes wrong. For our latest separation, my husband moved out about four months ago, I finally got him to agree to come home to try one more time. I know that his patience is running out with our marriage. I’ve had friends tell me that he met someone else and wants to be able to say he gave our marriage one more fair try before he moves on. How can I make sure that it works this time? I truly want to save my marriage because I still love my husband, so how can I make sure that this last attempt at a reconciliation stick.

I can’t offer you any guarantees of course. This has to a decision that both of you make. However, I can offer some tips to give you a better chance of making your last attempt at reconciliation work this time, which I will do below.

Think Long And Hard To Try To Determine What Has Thwarted Your Attempts At A Reconciliation Before: Sometimes it can be difficult to determine what has gone wrong because you are so close to this situation. But, to the extent that you can, sit down and think about where things fell apart each time you attempted a reconciliation. Perhaps it was one issue that kept coming up every time. Perhaps one or both partners weren’t sure about their commitment or their feelings. Maybe you are opposites who deal with conflict differently and this creates tension.

Whatever the most persuasive issue is, look at how you have handled it in the past and vow to handle it differently this time. Because it doesn’t make sense to stay with the same failing plan when experience has taught you that what you are doing just has not worked. Therefore, it’s time to try something new, which leads me to my next point.

Try Something New And Different. (It Helps If You Can Make the Reconciliation Feel Easier And More Effortless This Time.) I have to tell you that often when I talk to the people in this situation who are on the eve of the last attempt at reconciliation, it’s not uncommon for them to seem a bit skeptical and reluctant. Why? Because they have their doubts that anything is going to be all that different this time. And they don’t anticipate having a whole lot of fun.

You will have a greater chance of saving your marriage if you can make this process seem easy and fun. I don’t mean to make light of any of your marital problems. I understand that you could very well be dealing with difficult issues. But if you approach this through gritted teeth and clenched palms, you almost influence the outcome negatively.

If it’s at all possible, try to make sure that you schedule a time for fun and for reconnecting during this process. Perhaps you will get better results if you go to a ball game or play instead of sitting on the couch and staring at each other wondering where you go from here. The truth is, if you can reconnect and start liking one another once again, it becomes so much easier to begin to navigate your problems. And your spouse needs to see that getting back together and staying back together is not going to be work all of the time.

Don’t Put A Sense Of Desperation Over Your Marriage: I know that you are labeling this your “last attempt” to save your marriage. Your spouse might have made it very clear that if things don’t work out this time, a divorce is imminent. That can be a scary and devastating thought. But if you approach this full of anxiety and woe, then it impedes or affects your ability to be spontaneous and playful.

Sometimes, when you cling so tightly and are so afraid of failure, you do run the risk of this influencing your thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Rather than dreading this and fearing it, see it as an opportunity to finally get what you want. This can be a new beginning rather than an end. Think of it that way. And vow to get some help if you need it because your marriage is at stake. From professional help with a counselor to online resources, there are plenty of things that you can do to educate yourself to improve (or even save) your marriage.

When I approached my husband about the last chance at a reconciliation, I made many of the mistakes that I just warned you about it and it blew up in my face. I had to completely change my approach to finally save my marriage, but the new approach worked so much better. If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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