Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are very disappointed in their husband’s changing behavior while they are on a trial or martial separation.  Sometimes, things have even been going extremely well and then suddenly, things change for the worse.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I mutually agreed to separate.  Our marriage had been struggling and although I knew I wanted to work things out, he was not so sure.  I was afraid to allow him to leave our home, but much to my surprise, things actually began to improve during our separation.  I think that he missed me and we had some of the best, most honest talks we had ever had in our marriage.  It seemed to bring us closer for a while.  I held off on asking him when he was coming home because I didn’t want for him to feel pressured.  But as soon as I started to mention how nice it would be when he came home, his attitude changed slightly.  So I backed off.  Things appeared to get back to normal, but then a few days later, he acted distant again. Then days after that, he stopped calling.  When I called him, he said that his life just got busy due to work.  He was friendly enough but I sensed something had changed.  I want to ask him about this but I’m not sure if I really want to know the answer.  I’m scared to hear that he has met someone else or that he really doesn’t want to be with me after all.  Why would he suddenly become distant when things were going so well?  And what can I do now?”

There are many reasons that a husband can be hot and cold during a separation.  In the following article, I will go over some possible reasons as well as offer some suggestions on where to go from here.

Why He Might Suddenly Pull Away During A Separation (Even When Things Are Going Well.)  Deep in her heart, the wife already suspected that asking her husband about coming home had suddenly turned him cold.  And she might have been right about this.  It’s very common for men to become distant or to back up a little bit once his wife begins to pressure him (even just a little bit) to come home.

I know that this seems unfair because you have every right to want him to come home.  And you want to share how you feel with him.  And you want him to tell you that he was hoping that you would ask because he wants to come home also.  But there is a real risk that opening that door will cause him to close another.  It is no coincidence that most of us separated wives get the best response from our husbands when we make a very conscious attempt to make things very light-hearted, playful, and low in the pressure department.  Once we abandon this strategy, he can be disappointed and can wonder if we were just pretending all along.

So I would say that feeling pressured is the most common reason that you will see a man become distant.  The more you pressure him, question him, try to gauge him, or make him feel negative emotions like guilt and shame, the more likely he is going to be to distance himself.

Another reason that you might see him becoming distant is that he is under the influence of friends or family who do not share your cause. Often, his single friends will try to pull him into their lives or his separated or divorced friends will tell him how much better their lives are now that they are single.

Sometimes, he backs up a little because he realizes that he’s not yet experienced those things or explored those feelings that he meant to when he began the separation.  In short, he might feel that he became distracted while things were going so well between you, but now he needs to see things through.

How To Respond When You Don’t Understand His Distance: I would caution you to not overreact.  I know that this hurts.  And I know that it is hard not to assume the worst.  But if you come at him with all sorts of accusations or pleas for assurance, you just might make this worse.   Because there is a decent chance that this is just a passing thing that will fade to memory once you bide your time.

So to the extent that you can, take him at face value until he gives you a concrete reason to stop doing that.  Continue to do what was working before.  Remain playful.  Keep flirting with him.  See where that strategy continues to take you.  Do not panic.  Do not apply more pressure.  If you do these things and you meet some resistance, then you may wish to back off and see if that will entice him to move toward you.  Sometimes, your own silence will inspire his curiosity.  I would caution you, however, not to take this to extremes.  Don’t out and out ignore him, pretend that you don’t care, or make him think that you are seeing someone else.  You want to behave in a way that you can be proud of.  And you don’t want to do anything that can come back to haunt you later.

When my own husband and I were separated, I did not understand these principles and I did what I just told you not to do.  I pressured him and tried to make him guilty so that he would come home.  This was the biggest mistake that I could have possibly made.  I created many more problems for myself and it took me much longer to save my marriage.  But eventually, I was successful.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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