Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are very disappointed that the spark that was lacking in their marriage isn’t coming back during the trial separation. The hope is always that when the two are living apart, they will begin to miss one another and see ways in which they took the other for granted or expected too much. As a result, reconciliation will be easier because the mind set has changed. But when this doesn’t happen, not only can it be quite disappointing, but it can make you wonder if the spark is gone for good, which means that you shouldn’t reconcile after all.

The type of comment that I might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband and I separated because he said that we had grown apart and he wasn’t sure that we were compatible anymore. He hasn’t come right out and said it, but I suspect that he isn’t attracted to me anymore. We haven’t had regular sex in quite some time. And when we do, it’s just short of awful. It’s awkward and the desire doesn’t seem to be there, at least on his part. I had hoped that he would realize that he missed me and wanted me when he wasn’t able to see me every day, but that hasn’t happened. We see each other regularly because of our kids. And, we have gone out alone by ourselves a few times. I do have to give him credit for always being willing to see me when I ask him. The problem is, we relate in exactly the same way as when we were living together. There still isn’t a spark. It’s still just as awkward. The other day when we were together, I tried to brush my husband’s arm. And he literally cringed and backed away. I had heard that a separation would help would these things and bring the desire back. I have even tried to talk to my husband about this but he doesn’t want to discuss it. Is this all a lost cause? If the spark and connection hasn’t come back by now, will it never come back?”

I would never tell anyone that this is a lost cause. And I think that it was possible that this wife was expecting too much too soon. Not enough time had gone by in the separation in order to fairly evaluate this. Not only that, but because she was pushing the issue, she might have been making it worse.

Why it Can Be A Mistake To Try Too Hard: Getting a connection and a spark back when the pressure and the implications are as high as they are during a separation can take great deals of finesse. Obviously, you have to address the issue, but you will often have to do it in such a way that makes it seem natural and effortless. If you’re wondering how you even begin to do that, then the answer is that you don’t make it appear so obvious. You lower your expectations and you accept the fact that it is going to be a gradual process.

Keep Things Light And Easy: Honestly, I often suggest not even discussing your marriage for a little while once the separation starts. Because you are going to have so much easier of a time if you can first reestablish an effortless rapport. And this will often mean that you back off the issue of your marriage in the beginning and you just try to establish a light hearted banter where you are just talking as two people who are trying to strengthen the way that they relate to one another. The improvements to your marriage will come later, as your relationship can withstand it. But in the beginning when things are so fragile, I feel that it is better to just attempt to reestablish an easy give and take. You might be better off just spending time together not even addressing your marriage in situations where you can just have fun.

Know That Removing The Stress Can Encourage A Connection: Here is something that people often discount. Often, issues in your marriage are at least in part caused by your situation. What I mean by that is there is often a high degree of stress that is putting your marriage to the test. It might be that your job is stressful or you never have the time to reconnect. In order to get the spark back, you have to take your marriage away from that pressure. You have to set up the circumstances so that your marriage no longer has to overcome these things, but it just has to be. Because once you can do this, you then have the opportunity to relate to your spouse as you did in the beginning, before everything went off the rails and before the stress did its damage.

I know that this may seem backward to you but I think you might be pleasantly surprised if you try it. It’s hard to reconnect when the weight of the world is on the shoulders of your marriage. The process is much easier if you take it day by day and set up circumstances so that the pressure if very low. You know your husband very well. You know your marriage very well. You likely already know what circumstances and activities that allow you to laugh, work together, and enjoy yourselves. These are the types of thing you should be doing with your spouse.

Think about it. Let’s say that you and your spouse used to love to fish but haven’t done that in years. Frankly, I feel that you are better off baiting a hook or two together and talking about whether the fish are biting than you are sitting in a coffee shop and trying to navigate the awkward silence. Fishing may seem like an awful weird way to reconnect when the focus isn’t even on your marriage. But I promise that it isn’t a waste of time. By doing these activities in low pressure situations, you are giving that spark a chance to slowly start smoldering again.

I know that it is hard to feel encouraged when nothing seems to change.  But I suspect that if you just take baby steps, lower the stress, and allow the spark to come back rather than chasing it, you’ll find the process to be a bit more workable. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I approached this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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