Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Over the years, I’ve received loads of questions about marital separations or troubled marriages. Very little surprises me, but I’ll admit that I’ve paused on a few topics. I’ve had people ask me if there are any specific prayers, spells, or well wishes that they could perform to get their husbands back.  I tried a few of these things during my own separation. And I honestly believe that the magic in prayers, spells, or wishes is that they give you the belief that hope is possible, which can be extremely powerful.

Because when you have hope, you don’t go in with the defeatist attitude that gets so many of us into trouble. You also have a little less fear, which can be beneficial.  But I also believe that it was the attributes that I developed during my separation that made all of the difference in my reconciliation.

So below, I am going to list the attributes that I think you should ask for, no matter which method you are using. Once I was gradually successful in obtaining these things, my situation greatly improved.

Feel free to ask the universe to help you in any way that you see fit. But here are the things I believe are most necessary to succeed. Ask for:

Calm: I know that my stressing the importance of calm might seem strange, but there is a real tendency to panic when you are newly separated. Many of us assume that we are going to end up divorced anyway. And this potentially false assumption keeps us from pursuing avenues that might have worked.

I honestly think that the best thing that you can do in the first days of your separation is to challenge yourself to calm down every time you start with the worst-case scenario thinking and reassure yourself that you do have time, and you can get through this with your marriage not only intact but better.

An Open Mind And An Open Heart: You may already realize that a marital separation is not for the faint of heart. I have never been so scared and unsure of myself. I had never felt so vulnerable and out of my league. In order to not only survive this but to thrive, you need to be able to see this as an opportunity for growth. Once you can do this, your entire strategy will change, and your ability to cope will strengthen significantly.

So much of the time, we envision the outcome that we want, so we begin to act in the way that we think will get us that outcome. In doing so, we miss out on the things that might have been the better play.

Go into this promising yourself that you will remain open to learning whatever lessons the universe has in store. Promise yourself that you will embrace the improvements that are necessary and the leaps of faith that are required.

The separation changed my life. Many of the changes that I made were positive additions to other areas of my life. I would never tell you that some of those changes weren’t painful. They were. But they were necessary. And I am happier and healthier because of them.

Patience: This was probably the hardest thing for me to cultivate, but it was absolutely necessary. Understandably, separated wives want to reconcile right now – this very evening, if we can swing it. For many of us, the time frame ends up being longer. And that can be okay because gradual changes are more likely to last anyway.

The biggest problem with impatience is that it causes us to push our husbands. And if he is not ready to go at our pace, then he will shut down, thwart us, or just try to avoid the entire process. So we’re actually making things worse instead of better. And ironically, our wait, which we were trying to shorten, is now that much longer.

I cannot stress the importance of patience nearly enough. I know that you miss your husband. Try to find ways to interact with him that don’t include pressure. That way, you miss him less, but you allow for a natural pace.

Resilience:  Resilience means that you understand that although things look bleak right now, it is within your power to not give up and to change things.  There were many days when I wanted to throw up my hands and admit defeat.  I don’t consider myself a naturally resilient person, but I had to develop this attribute.  You have to learn that one bad phone or one bad day won’t mean that you won’t ever reconcile.  You have to develop the mindset to realize that tomorrow is another day, and that you can always try something new.

Clarity: Often, we are sure that we know what is keeping us from a reconciliation. We believe that if we could just solve these couple of problems, we’d have our husband back. Sometimes though, an issue about which we aren’t even aware is standing in our way. Other times, it is actually us (at least in part) who is the problem.

You can’t have clarity without the patience, calm, resilience, and open mind I mentioned above. But clarity is what is going to show you exactly what is standing between you and your husband.

Clarity will allow you to identify and then bridge the steps you need to take to heal your marriage. You can read all the self-help or attend all the counseling sessions in the world, but if cannot cultivate the clarity to allow you to see where and how they apply to you, then they are worthless.

How do you get clarity? Get still. Put aside the petty issues that you think are important but really are not. Listen to what your husband is saying both with his words and with his actions. Watch how he responds to everything that you are attempting.

Watch your own behaviors and listen to your own thoughts. Step back so that you are not taking everything personally. Identify your part in the issues and identify what part you can play in fixing them. Put your pride and indigence aside.

Humility: There are times in this process where you will have to give more than you get. You’ll have to listen more than you talk. You’ll feel very vulnerable, and you’ll need to keep moving forward anyway. You might feel as if this entire process is against you, but you’ll need to trudge along anyway. In order to thrive in this environment, you’ll need the humility to realize that we can all learn something new and improve ourselves – even when we don’t know exactly what the outcome is going to be.

A Belief In Your Own Power And Beauty: At times, it feels as if this entire process will beat you down. It will make you doubt your worth, your power, and your own attractiveness. Always remember that at your core, you are still the same woman your husband feel deeply in love with. And know that deep in your heart, you at the only version of you in this universe. You’ve got this. You just might not know it just yet.

If it helps, you can read about how I cultivated these attributes to save my own marriage at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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