Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, chances are your marriage isn’t as stable as you’d like it to be. Or perhaps your spouse isn’t as happy as needs to be and has therefore hinted about a separation or divorce. Either way, you likely know that your marriage needs a serious shakeup.

I can’t possibly know the specifics of your situation. But what I do know is that it is possible to change, improve, or even save your marriage by yourself, especially initially. I know because I’ve done this myself. I also know that you basically need three things to be successful. 

I know that I run the risk of presenting these needs as too basic. But I want to stress that this process is anything but easy. That said, it CAN be relatively simple and straight forward. It is only the execution that can be a bit tricky. 

Three Seemingly Little Things With Huge Implications – Positivity, Eventual Commitment, And A Small Spark: The first thing you need to return your marriage to its original, happier state is to restore positive feelings between you and your spouse most of the time.  

When couples are thinking about separation or divorce, mutual positive feelings are generally no longer the norm. I’m not saying that you never share positive feelings, but it may be a rarer occurrence than it was six months ago. And it may be directed at your children more often than it is directed at your marriage. 

You need positive feelings because, without them, you can’t have the successful, repetitive interactions that are going to be necessary to save your marriage. When you have a cordial, easy rapport, you have a foundation on which you can build. When you can’t even be pleasant to one another, you can’t make progress until you can.

When you don’t have a positive back and forth, negativity can take a foothold and change the entire culture of your marriage. When negative feels overshadow positive ones over a period of time, people “fall out of love.” That’s why it’s so important to get the positivity back. 

Once you have it, you build upon it. Cordial can turn flirty which can turn romantic rather quickly. But you can’t get to romantic until you first have easy and pleasant. 

The second thing you need can only be accomplished after you’ve achieved the first. And it is a return to a commitment to each other and to the marriage. This is probably the most important step in saving your marriage. After all, if both parties put the marriage first, there isn’t much you can’t accomplish. And even if things don’t improve immediately, no one is going to rush to file for divorce, since you’re committed to making it work, despite any bumps in the road. Being mutually committed buys you time and avoids pain and uncertainty because you can both have confidence that neither of you are going to walk out the door, even when things aren’t perfect.   

Never Forget Or Underestimate The Power Of The Spark:  I understand that when your marriage is on shaky ground, you tend to focus on what is wrong with your partner and with your marriage. You tend to see the flaws rather than the strengths. Therefore, when I suggest that you do everything in your power to light a spark between yourself and your spouse, you may be tempted to dismiss me out of hand. Please don’t. Sometimes, a tiny little spark is what you need to turn the corner. 

Just for a second, think about the early days of your relationship. Did you fight differently than you do now? Did you navigate conflict completely differently? I don’t know you, but I’d bet that you did. Because people who are newly in love don’t want to spend their time arguing or focusing on what doesn’t matter. They’ll find a way to gloss over troublesome issues so they can get back to the good stuff.

Are you starting to see where a spark could be useful? I’d never suggest that you overlook your problems, but sometimes a spark means that you’ll no longer dwell on them and you can instead see what is still good between you. Sometimes, that is the difference. 

Understand What Is Likely Standing In Your Way: Let’s stay in the early days of your relationship. Think of where you put your time and effort. You likely counted your spouse’s happiness as one of your top priorities. You likely willingly adjusted your commitments to make time for the relationship. 

So how are things different today? Well, you definitely have more responsibilities, and you may therefore have less naivety and enthusiasm. And you no longer have the “newness” factor on your side. 

So how can you combat this? Well, you can consciously give your spouse, your marriage, and your time together more of your attention, even if you need to shift your schedule a bit. 

Don’t Overthink It When You Already Have The Blueprint” Believe it or not, you have an advantage here. You know what your husband responds to. You know what he first loved about you. You know how you acted and what you said to get the desired reaction out of him. You know what qualities you put on full display. How much of those qualities does he see today? Not enough? 

I hope I’ve shown you how important it is to present your best self to your spouse on a regular basis, especially right now. 

You don’t necessarily need to overanalyze this or pick your marriage apart so that all you see is the negative. Instead, you want to unite two people who were once very much in love and begin to re-generate those strong, positive feelings so that the rest can begin to fall into place. 

What if your partner isn’t receptive right now or isn’t talking to you or taking your calls? The process is the same, except that it takes longer and you’ll take smaller baby steps.

I had to use this gradual approach when I trying to save my marriage (and was the only one who wanted to). You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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