Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane: No one gets married expecting that one day the most painful thing they will feel isn’t anger, or betrayal, but silence.

Not the silence of a slammed door, but the kind that stretches across the dinner table. The kind that lingers between two people sharing the same home, living the same life, but no longer truly reaching for one another.

This is what many people call a silent divorce — and in some ways, it’s even more heartbreaking than the kind with yelling, accusations, and divorce papers.

Because with a silent divorce, there are no dramatic arguments to force you to pay attention. Instead, there’s just a slow, steady slipping away… until one day, you realize the person you love feels more like a ghost in your life than a partner. And you realize that the marriage you had is gone.

An Expert On Silent Divorce: Stephanie Moir, a licensed mental health counselor, told CNN:

“A silent divorce is when you’re not legally separated, but you’re definitely emotionally, mentally, and almost to a certain point physically removed, too, from your spouse.”  

In other words, you are more like roommates than spouses.

What a “Silent Divorce” Really Looks Like: A silent divorce is subtle. On the outside, everything may seem “fine.” To other people, you look like a typical, or even an ideal, couple. You both go to work. You take care of the kids. You pay the bills. You show up to family gatherings and smile for the pictures. You show up to outside events, united for your kids.

But behind closed doors, the connection has thinned to almost nothing.

Instead of talking late into the night, you scroll on your phones. Instead of reaching for each other’s hands, you pull away into your own worlds.

Problems that used to spark discussion or even a little argument now barely register because neither of you has the energy to fight.

It’s not about hatred. It’s about absence. And that can feel even heavier than anger because it suggests that maybe you’ve both stopped believing things can be better.

Sometimes, when you’re living inside the numbness, it’s hard to see it clearly. Here are a few quiet signs that your marriage may be slipping into a silent divorce:

• You avoid emotional topics because it feels easier to stay on the surface.
• You feel lonelier with your spouse than when you’re by yourself.
• Physical closeness has faded, and even simple touches feel awkward or forced.
• You keep busy — with work, kids, hobbies — anything to avoid facing the void between you.
• You fantasize about being somewhere else — not necessarily with someone else, but simply not in the heaviness of what home has become.

If any of these resonate with you, it doesn’t mean you – or your marriage – is doomed. It just means that your marriage is calling out for attention and tenderness – because you might be in a “silent divorce.”

Why Silent Divorces Happen – It Doesn’t Mean Either Of You Are To Blame: Nobody consciously chooses a silent divorce. It’s rarely the result of one big issue or argument. Instead, it’s death by a thousand cuts. You both have busy schedules that aren’t conducive to connection, little hurts go unfixed, life’s demands scatter your priorities, and vulnerability feels like one more thing on your list.

Silent Divorce CAN Be Reversible. Healing Is Possible:  If you’re living through this right now, please don’t lose hope. A silent marriage doesn’t have to be the end of your love story. It’s a chapter—a very difficult one—but not the last one, necessarily. And often, with patience, hope, and a few key shifts, you can find your way back to one another – even if, right now, you are the only one who wants to.

Even if it feels like you’re sleepwalking in your marriage, the love may still be smoldering. Some come back stronger after a silent divorce because they have felt what you might lose. And it’s lonely. This process can actually make you come out the other side appreciating your spouse and your marriage even more.

Healing is possible when you acknowledge the distance without blame or anger. You can say things like “I miss us,” or “I miss feeling close to you,” instead of “You never care about me anymore.”

Some Things You Can Do Right Now: Go out of your way to do nice things for him. Say thank you for something simple he’s done or offer your own kind gestures. These things seem simple, but they go a long, long way.

Once you are comfortable with this, begin offering a simple touch again. A touch of the arm. Brushing against him on the couch. A kiss on the cheek. It might feel awkward at first, but if you keep at it, then it will become comfortable and will lead to more.  

Making these things a habit is vital. Yes, we are all busy, but marriages don’t fall apart because of a lack of love. They fall apart because of a lack of attention.

Carve out small spaces just for the two of you. Even if it’s ten minutes over coffee in the morning. Even if it’s one walk around the block after dinner. Show your husband that your marriage still matters.

Know That You Don’t Need To Do Everything Perfect – Just Start: Feeling numb in your marriage isn’t a great place to be. It’s easy to become frozen. Don’t be too intimidated by this process. Just start. You don’t have to have all the answers right now.

You don’t even have to know exactly how to fix things. You just have to begin—gently, bravely, imperfectly. You married each other for a reason. That reason is still there, even if it’s hidden under years of busyness, hurt, or silence. You can find it again. And you can find each other again. It’s never too late.

I know all this because I faced a real, not a silent divorce and was able to turn it around. I share how I did that on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com.

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