The Sex Was Horrible During Our Trial Separation. Does This Mean That We Can’t Reconcile?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are separated but who have just had sex with their separated spouse. Sometimes, these folks are a little panicked – because they think that they’ve done something wrong or that they have put the reconciliation in jeopardy. Frankly, having sex during your trial or martial separation is quite common. But even if it goes well, it can bring about questions and worries. And, if it doesn’t go well – or if the sex is bad – then the worry and anxiety can rise to new and hurtful levels.
A woman might say: “I never ruled out the idea of having sex with my husband during our separation. In fact, if I’m being honest, I was sort of hoping for it. Because I believe that one reason that my husband wanted a separation is because he’s not sure of his attraction to me anymore. He hasn’t come out and said that. He hasn’t really given me any concrete reason for wanting a separation, but I just notice that he no longer looks at me with longing or pays me compliments. Often, when he looks at me, he has a frown on his face. So I was hoping that if we had sex during our separation, it would be wonderful and he would approach with me with lust. Well, we did have sex. But pretty much only because I offered it up to him and he hesitated, but then agreed. He didn’t seem all that enthusiastic. And the whole thing was weird and awkward. Afterward, it was like he could not wait to leave. Now I wish I’d never come onto him. Because now I feel like I have gotten confirmation of my worst fear. I worry that he’s not attracted to me and he won’t ever be again. I worry that this is confirmation that the spark is gone. I worry that this means that we can’t reconcile. Am I right?”
It’s very difficult for me to predict this, as I don’t know the situation. But I do know that we sometimes see things as worse than they actually are. And I do know that it’s quite common to have disastrous sexual encounters with your separated spouse. It makes sense if you think about it. Neither of you are sure what the other is thinking. Neither of you are sure what the sex is going to mean. So you’re nervous. You’re self conscious. You’re awkward and fumbling all over the place. This is not a situation that is conducive to good sex. And that is why I often discourage the sex until you know that you’re going to reconcile – or already have. Rushing tends to confuse things. And sometimes, the result of it is so awkward that it makes spouses who were making real progress avoid one another or discount the progress that they have made.
With that said, none of this means that you won’t or can’t reconcile. It likely just means that the uncertainty of the situation showed itself in your sexual encounter. And it may mean that you have to back up a little bit and stay away from sexual overtures for a bit. But I think that it can be a mistake to assume that you don’t have any sexual chemistry (and won’t) or that your husband won’t ever be attracted to you again. Or that he isn’t now.
It is very important to not let this one encounter dictate the course of your separation moving forward. The sex happened. And it was weird because separations make things weird. But nothing says you can’t recover and move forward. Try to back away from this for a while and focus on other things. Try to keep things casual and light between you and your spouse until the awkwardness starts to fade a little.
I’d like to make one final point. I’d like to suggest that you consider working on your confidence as best as you can. I can understand why your confidence is wavering. I went through this also, as do many separated spouses. But confidence is very important right now. Frankly, having confidence is very sexy. But being apologetic about the experience is not. You don’t want to go into it thinking that you are not attractive enough or that you don’t have anything to offer. You don’t want to project these feelings onto the way your husband sees you. Remind yourself that you are still the woman he fell in love with and if there is anything that you can or should do to feel good about yourself right now, then my all means do it.
Confidence is quite important for both good sex and for a reconciliation. And if it was lacking before, the awkward sex might make it even worse. So I’d suggest aggressively focusing on regaining your confidence and sense of self. And give yourself a little time with the sex part. Honestly, it would be more surprising to me if it wasn’t a little awkward considering how much uncertainty and insecurities trial separations can bring out in both partners. And I don’t feel that it needs to dictate your path going forward.
I always felt that my separation was just too fragile to introduce sex into the equation. I was so afraid to mess things up. Despite my best efforts, I messed up plenty, but I did try to keep sex separate. You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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