Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear about many different types of marital problems from people who visit this blog. From infidelity to money issues, to differing personalities, many couples feel that their issues are unique and that they need a very complex plan (and a lot of luck) to fix them. I would never tell anyone that they don’t need to work hard to fix their problems. But I also believe that there is ONE key to solving any marital problem – no matter what it is. This one thing is the building block to the other components that you need to save your marriage. It is the first step on the walk to saving your marriage. At the risk of sounding overly simplistic, that building block is empathy – but not in the way that you might think.

Before you think that I don’t understand how complex your marital problems are, hear me out. I had severe marital problems. I was separated. And I had a husband who was not even remotely interested in reconciling. But it wasn’t until my spouse and I felt empathy for one another that we could begin to cultivate the next steps toward healing our marriage. Yes, we had to later develop intimacy, commitment, problem-solving, and coping mechanisms, but empathy was the first step.

Why A Loss Of Empathy Leads To Loss Of Intimacy And Commitment: Many people with marital issues see themselves as on opposing sides. They are frustrated that their spouse doesn’t even try to give them what they want. They often feel very misunderstood. These opposing forces often mean a loss of intimacy and commitment – you cannot save your marriage without eventually having these two things. Why are these things so important? Because when you have intimacy the issues suddenly become so much smaller. You are so much more willing to compromise and to roll up your sleeves and make it work. The same is true of commitment. If you are committed, you will not abandon your marriage when the going gets tough.

If either of these things seems a long way off, know that the first step toward them is empathy. And this is in the grasp of most couples if you know how to begin. If you can establish intimacy, you take the first step toward the path toward reconciliation.

An Important First Step In Developing Empathy: You may think that you already feel empathetic toward your spouse – at least some of the time. But it is important that you feel empathetic about the issues that divide you. Here is what I mean. Let’s say your main issue is money. You feel that your spouse is too controlling and cheap with money. And, as a result, you always feel like you have to wear your husband down so that he will loosen his grip on your finances. Rather than seeing him as a money-grubbing, penny-pincher, try to understand at least some of the reasoning behind his actions. Perhaps he is frugal because his family was poor when he was growing up. Maybe he had hard financial times as a result of an early, low-paying job. So he learned that it pays to conserve resources. Picture your husband as a poor child, as a hard-working young man, or whatever situation applies to him. When you can see him as vulnerable, your stance is going to change. Your anger and tone will soften. And suddenly, you may get somewhere.

How To Encourage Your Spouse To Feel Empathy Toward You: Once you begin to feel empathy toward your spouse, your stance will probably change and you will hopefully approach your spouse in the spirit of compromise. However, he may still be stuck in his previous stance. Getting him to feel empathy toward you may take a little time, but he can change in the same way that you did. The key is to get him to see that you are not unreasonable. In the same way that you are seeing him as the poor child or the underemployed young man, you can get him to see what is behind your stance. The next time that you want to discuss a problematic issue with your husband, make sure your tone is conciliatory. Using the above money example, you might try something like, “honey, can we talk for a second? I am going to make a purchase and I don’t want it to cause issues. I know that you are frugal and I understand why you are. But I need to feel like I have a say in financial decisions. When I don’t, I feel like I don’t matter. You know that I struggle with this insecurity, so I am asking you to be understanding.”

Use this method with every important but potentially problematic discussion you have with your spouse. Always take responsibility for your own feelings and use “I” phrases such as, “I feel hurt when you dismiss me,” instead of saying, “You never listen to me.”

When your approach is preemptive and cooperative, he will likely respond with compromise rather than anger. I hope that you see the difference. Once I understood this, it changed everything about my reconciliation.

The Steps After Empathy: Once you and your spouse are feeling empathy for one another, the next step is to begin to restore the intimacy. This is probably one of the most important steps in repairing or reconciling your marriage. Couples who are deeply connected cruise by minor issues and have a much easier time navigating major issues because they have their spouse’s back. They want their spouse to be happy and to feel loved and secure. Therefore, all roads lead to the same end – a marriage between two people who respect and care about one another. With this in place, the rest tends to fall into place.

I don’t mean to imply that developing empathy around your issues will solve those issues. It won’t. Be it will allow you to soften your tone and avoid additional confrontations so that you can slowly begin to restore the intimacy. As you and your spouse spend less time fighting, you can spend more time, side by side, participating in pleasurable, low-pressure activities that will bring you closer. As you restore the rapport and intimacy between you, your issues become much more manageable. And then the commitment falls into place.

No matter what issues divide you, if you can cultivate first empathy, and then intimacy, followed by commitment, you are well on your way to reconciling or repairing your marriage.

As I alluded to, our issues divided us so badly we separated.  However, once I was able to reestablish empathy and a sense of mystery, I could begin to slowly rebuild until we reconciled.  It was a complete about-face because my husband initially had no interest in saving our marriage.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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