Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I have written tons of articles on ways to reconcile with a separated spouse. The other day, someone asked me to narrow it down. She wanted me to tell her the five best things she could do to inspire a reluctant separated husband to reconcile and get back together. I understand this request because I know how impatient you can be when you want your husband back in your home and in your bed yesterday. That said, everyone’s situation (and husband) is different. But I will try to list the five things that I believe work the best for most people.

Go High, Not Low: I know firsthand how easy it is to be paralyzed by panic and fear. Most of us believe that separation leads to divorce. And divorce is the boogieman under the bed. Divorce is the thing we promised ourselves that we’d never do. So you can forgive us if our panic clouds our behavior. We often do or say things we regret simply because our fear has clouded our thinking. I can’t tell you how much you hurt yourself and your chances for reconciliation when you give in to your lowest impulses. As hard as it is, you need to elevate your behavior, not lower it. Especially in the beginning and before you have made progress, your husband is sometimes looking for (and will pounce upon) any excuse to justify the separation or to think less of you. Don’t allow him that opportunity.

There will also be plenty of opportunities to feel down and unsure right now. Don’t allow your own behavior and actions to fit into this category. Always strive to act in a way that you can be proud of. Admittedly, some days this will be tough. You will make mistakes that you regret. But dust yourself off and do better tomorrow.

Strengthening yourself in every way that you can will actually increase your chances of not only reconciling, but staying happily together far beyond this.

Don’t Fall Back On What You’ve Always Done: Let’s face it. Even the best marriages find themselves firmly in a comfort zone. This isn’t altogether a bad thing. Many of us take solace in our safe, warm, familiar marriage. It is our safe place to fall. And if we are happy in it, there really is no problem. But when you are separated, it is a safe bet that at least one of you isn’t as happy as he thinks he should be.

So you want to resist the urge to deal with problems in the same old way. You want to make sure you aren’t falling back into habits that hurt rather than help you. And, when you spend time with your spouse, it helps to try new things to shake it up and make it feel fresh. We have to face it. No one wants to come back to the stale and tired. But plenty of people are willing to come back to the new and improved.

Always Wait And Evaluate Before You Act: I can’t sugarcoat this. There will be days during the separation where you may experience what may feel like overwhelming impatience. You’re tired of not knowing how this is going to end. You question if you can continue living this way. So you tell yourself that you want answers from your husband and you’re going to demand them. Or you decide that it may be a good idea to see if you can push him just a little bit because you need a reaction – any reaction at all.

I completely understand this feeling because I gave into it more times than I can tell you during my own separation. And I can also tell you that most of the time, I regretted it. Much of the time, these impulses deteriorated everything around me and I found myself in a worse situation than when I started.

What’s worse, I often knew that what I was doing was going to cost me, but I felt so much pent up frustration that I did it anyway. You must learn to delay these impulses and give yourself time to think about them before you act.

I learned to force myself to wait (preferably 24 hours) before I gave into my impulses. If I had an urge to send a frustrated text which I suspected would trigger my husband, I’d tell myself I could do it – if it still seemed like a good idea in the morning. This saved me more times than I care to admit.

Focus On Feeling Closer And Then Address What Divides You: I suspect in the days before your separation, at least one of you began to feel as if nothing was right with your marriage. It can also feel that way in the beginning of your separation. And yet, at the same time, you want to rush the process because it stinks to be so lonely and in the dark. So, there’s a tendency to try to work on your problems very hard and very fast. I’d never discourage anyone from working on their marital problems. You’ll have to in order to get your marriage back. But sometimes, if you and your spouse are just not clicking and are very far apart in your thinking, then fixing your issues is going to be a challenge until you’re back on solid ground. Sometimes, you have to step back and become friends again before you tackle the other very difficult aspects of your relationship. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, you want to simplify your goals so that you’re only worried about getting to a place where you can laugh together again. When you are, it is so much easier to work on your problems together.

Listen Before Talking. Give Before Taking: I think it is a given that both spouses are going to need to make concessions to get where the marriage needs to go. This may mean that you have to give on issues that would have been unthinkable to you six months ago. But here’s something you may not have considered. You’ll often WILLINGLY do this because being apart from your spouse and away from your marriage has a way of putting things into perspective. You realize that the issue you thought was a deal-breaker may be workable after all.

I promise that I am trying to save you time, pain, and frustration by suggesting that you just go ahead and begin giving a little more right now so that you don’t need to wait until you’re worn down. Go ahead and make concessions that might bring you closer together. Listen deeply before you talk. Hear what he’s actually saying to you. And learn how to read between the lines to understand the underlying heartfelt message within his sometimes vague words. People who are good listeners are a gift to a marriage. This is a skill you CAN cultivate. And it pays huge dividends. If you listen more than you speak, you are ahead of the game. If you give before you make your own demands, you’ve done yourself a huge favor.

These suggestions seem simplistic, but they are harder to carry out in reality when you are scared and lonely. However, I am confident that doing so will make things better. I can’t promise anyone a reconcilation, but I honestly think that figuring these things out allowed us to get to the place where we could even consider it.  Because we had a pretty disastrous separation before I made some drastic changes. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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