Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Most of us have been raised to believe that honestly is always the best policy.  We watch talk shows where mental health counselors indicate that there should be no secrets between spouses and that we should always allow our spouse to know exactly how we feel.  This is said to be one of the keys to a good marriage.

So when our marriage is in trouble or, worse, when we are separated, it can appear that being forthcoming and sharing our feelings are more important than ever.  And so we gather our courage and we spill everything, thinking that is exactly what we need to do.  We expect for our admission and our disclosure to make things better.  Unfortunately, we can be completely surprised when it does not. Frankly, it sometimes makes things worse.  And this is not only confusing, it can feel devastating.

A wife might explain: “I have always been honest with my husband about how I feel.  We’ve always been able to talk openly.  Until about six months ago when my husband decided that he was not happy in our marriage. At that time, he moved out and announced that we were separated.  He never mentioned a divorce and he seemed to imply that this was just a temporary thing.  No one cheated.  No one really did anything wrong (that I know of.)  It just seems to be that he is generally not happy.  At first, I expected that this all would pass in a relatively short amount of time.  I expected gradual progress followed by a reconciliation.  I’ve been disappointed that this is not what has happened.  I’ve tried to maintain a good attitude but lately, I have been down.  My husband and I get together every Sunday for church.  During lunch after church, I spilled everything to my husband.  I told him how much this has hurt me.  I told him how scared I was.  I told him that I was disappointed that something as subjective as not being happy would cause him to abandon me and his responsibilities.  I told him it was time to be an adult.  He got angry about this.  I know that honestly sometimes hurts.  So last night, I opened my heart again.  I told him that essentially, my heart was breaking and it was time to stop being indulgent and to start being responsible.  Today, my husband is not answering my calls.  I don’t understand this.  I thought you were supposed to be honest about your true feelings with your spouse, especially when you were having troubles.  But this is making things worse for me.  Why?  And does this means that I’m not supposed to share my feelings anymore?”

Why Full Disclosure Can Work Against You During A Separation: Let’s tackle one thing at a time.  The first thing I’ll look at is why he had a negative reaction to your being honest about your feelings.  Obviously, this is just going to be a guess on my part.  But anytime you make a spouse feel guilty or elicit negative feelings (especially if this is something that he may already feel, but is trying to repress,) then he may pull away because he does not want to feel the full weight of the guilt.

Deep down, he may fully realize that his inability to get it together is hurting every one, including himself.  He may not be very happy about this, as evidenced by his behavior.  And when you come along and put a little salt in the wound, he feels everything that he has been trying to avoid.  And this is dangerous because then he starts to associate these negative feelings with you and with your marriage.  Because of those negative associations, it is quite possible that he may start to lessen the amount that he sees or talks to you as a result.  He’s simply trying to avoid feeling more guilt or negative feelings.

Knowing When It’s Appropriate To Hold Back, Just A Little: Does this mean that you can’t or shouldn’t talk about your feelings?  Not necessarily.  It just means that perhaps you should be aware of the situation (and what he is feeling within it) and chose the very best time to speak.  Sometimes, it’s not the appropriate time to stress how unhappy he has made you.  When things are already tense and fragile between you, then sometimes, it makes sense to save the bad news for later – at least until things improve and then stabilize.

Be Cautious Of Talk That Is Not Followed By Action: Also, sometimes people who are separated become frustrated by the constant talking of feelings when all this talk does little to change things.  Sometimes, it gets to the point where people are looking for real change and nothing else.  They are seeking something that they can actually see and quantify.  It can get to the point where talking feels like you are only treading water and not making progress.

When you feel tempted to say something to him, ask yourself if there is any way to take action instead.  For example, if you are tempted to tell him that you’re losing patience with this whole process, see if instead you can do something to move things along.  Try to avoid the trap of sounding like you’re complaining rather than doing something.

I know that this may seem unfair.  It may appear that he is not thinking about this deeply, as you are.  But sometimes, when things are fragile between you, then you have to take very measured steps and you have to think carefully about what you do or say.  As unfair as all of this is, this type of strategic thinking really can make all of the difference.

I know that strategic thinking is a difficult lesson to learn because I learned it myself.  I had to train myself to hold back sometimes.  But as unfair as this was, it changed things in my separation.  When I learned to be deliberate and strategic, I took the first steps toward getting my husband back, although I didn’t know it at the time. The rest of the story is at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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