Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who want to know how to stop a husband from either filing for or going through with a divorce. I understand the urgency of these requests very well. I was in the situation myself a few years ago and I know that these wives think that if a divorce is begun or actually takes place, then the marriage is over for good. There are no more cards to deal with or games to play. It’s over for good and there’s not going to be anything that you can do about it. So, the thinking goes, it’s better to do everything in your power to reverse this right now before the divorce actually happens.

This thinking is very familiar to me, but I also know from experience that it will make ill-advised things seem completely logical at the time. This is a very dangerous place to be because you are very vulnerable to doing or saying things that you will later come to regret. This is make-or-break time, no doubt, but don’t allow this to convince you that you need to participate in desperate behaviors that are only going to make things worse. I’ll discuss this more in the following article.

Legal Maneuvering Is Often Not The Answer, At Least In My Opinion. Only Your Attorney Will Win: Many women will tell me things like: “Well I’m just going to have my attorney contest the divorce,” or “I’m just going to tell my attorney to stall;” or “I will refuse to accept the divorce papers.” The thinking behind this is often that you can blame all of this on your attorney and you’ve bought yourself the time that you need.

But, the problem here is that it’s quite possible this is only going to annoy your husband. He’s going to see you as an adversary and he’s only going to want to make this process end that much sooner. He’s going to be annoyed with you and do everything in his power to avoid you. This isn’t what you want.

And, your attorney can attempt to stall, but this can only go on for so long (and it will be quite expensive even though you still reach the same end.) And as the end is building up, you’re only getting further and further away from your husband, not closer. 

Often trying to avoid, delay, or hide from this situation is not going to make it go away. It’s best to just take a good hard look at the reality of the situation, accept it as it is right now, and then calmly decide the best way for you to change it while making sure that you appear (and that he perceives you) in the most favorable way possible.

Understanding That If You Can Change The Perception, You Can Change The Reality: Often people go about stopping the divorce backward. They want to skip to the part where they change the reality of the situation and they don’t really think it through or do anything to change the situation. They think that just because they want their husband to change his mind, they must then force this upon him through whatever means necessary. In the end, he’s only going to resent you for this. Even if he does consider “giving in,” he will not have made this decision on his own, so this decision is less likely to be lasting.

Your best bet is to actually change his perception of you and of the marriage. You must allow him to see that you are not who he thought and that the marriage is not what he thought. In short, you must change his perception before you even begin to worry about the reality of the situation. But, how can you do this when he’s made up his mind and has threatened to begin the divorce process? You make every single encounter and interaction count, but you don’t let your desperation or your plan show. You remember who and what he wants. You must do everything in your power to paint yourself as a woman of dignity and respect who values his happiness enough to be calm and rational. You show him that the woman he first fell in love with is still right in front of him. You change his perception from one of annoyance and avoidance to one of curiosity and lightheartedness.

Stepping Back to Move Closer: As you probably suspect, this takes some doing and some balancing. You can’t come on too strong, but you must make yourself visible. You must show him that you want him to be happy, but you don’t just want to throw in the towel and give up. There is a fine line between all of these things. At the end of the day, you must strike a balance and you must look to him for how to best do this. There will likely be some days where he is more receptive than others. On the days when he is not, you should go about doing the things that make you happy, make you appear strong, and make you appear attractive. Often, this silence and this distance will create a little curiosity on his part and so he will be the one who starts to move closer. Again, make sure that you are striking that balance. Don’t rush or push. Watch for and respond to his cues and create the distance when you need to.

Wives are understandably reluctant to experience the distance that I’m talking about, but it’s often this space that will allow him the perspective that he needs. And when he pauses for this perceptive, make sure that you’ve painted yourself in the best light. And, hopefully, I’ve shown you that fighting him every step of the way here is not the way to do that.

When my husband wanted a divorce (but I desperately wanted to save my marriage), I did everything that I could to stop it. I made many mistakes born out of frustration and fear. I delayed, begged, argued, stalked, and engaged, but none of these things worked. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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