Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Most wives who are separated, taking a marital break, or giving their spouse space desperately want to know where they are in this process. In other words, they want to know if they’re making sufficient progress in the hopes that the separation will soon end so that they can reconcile and move on. Understandably, many of them wonder if there are steps that people typically take on the path to a reconciliation, and, if so, which step are they on?

Someone might say, “My husband and I have been separated for two and a half months. I would like to tell you that we’ve made tons of progress, but I’m not sure that this is true. He isn’t rude to me, but he’s not open and welcoming, either. We don’t communicate nearly as much as I’d like. And with no communication, we haven’t made progress on our issues. He has not asked for a divorce. But he certainly hasn’t mentioned a reconciliation, either. Is there any steps that we should be hitting on the path to reconciliation? If so, I don’t think we’ve hit any benchmarks at all.”

I hesitate to outline very stringent steps because I think it varies from couple to couple. And I also believe that such a list might create pressure and discouragement. When I think back to my own separation, I’m fairly sure that I would not have been able to check off very many reconciliation steps. And yet, I did eventually reconcile. Based on my own experience, I will outline what I think are very general steps for which to strive. But I want to stress that not meeting these steps in a specific timeline or pattern is not something that you should worry too much about. Rather, it might help you to strategize your behavior and your responses so that you’re always looking toward moving forward rather than sliding back.

Step One: Accept That You May Have To Surrender To A Path That You Can’t Always Dictate: I fought against a separation with everything I had. And once I finally did concede (because my husband made it clear I had no real choice,) I told myself that I’d make sure it ended as soon as possible. Unfortunately, it soon became clear that none of it was completely within my control. It takes two people to move toward a reconciliation. So the quicker you accept that you can’t dictate or control everything, the quicker you will begin to move forward.

There’s good news though.  There are things that you can control which can influence the outcome. You can control your own behaviors and actions. You can create a playful, accepting atmosphere that makes it more likely that your husband will respond favorably to you. But when you have setbacks (and most of us do,) it’s so important that you do not push or apply pressure. Most of the time, doing so means you’ll only slide backward.

You can save yourself a lot of pain and frustration if you accept that although you can bet you’ll control what you can, you won’t be able to control everything. So you are better off knowing that sometimes you’ll have to adjust and move gradually. And that can be okay because it means that you’re both more comfortable that your progress is real and lasting.

Step Two: Improve Rapport And A Lessen Tension: Even when you are cordial during your separation, most people admit that there is awkwardness and tension. After all, if things were easy and great between you, then you probably wouldn’t be separated. Understandably, we want to make everything better as soon as we possibly can. Many of us believe that we need to address our most difficult problems first. I believed this also and it backfired spectacularly.

Much of the time, your relationship cannot withstand your overanalyzing it and breaking it down repeatedly. Because you’re starting out from a place of tension. As a result, you’re likely to meet with defensiveness initially if you push too much. But, if you can restore an easy rapport, then this type of work becomes possible and doesn’t feel nearly as difficult.

Step Three: Pick Easy Victories So Your Spouse Believes That Progress Is Possible: Once you re-establish rapport and regain access to your spouse, you’re then in a position to pick some small issues that you want to address. Pick something that isn’t too difficult or emotionally charged. Your goal is not to fix your marriage in one swoop, but to show your spouse that change is possible and not even that difficult.

Often, the biggest issue between you and a reconciliation is your husband’s belief that it is even possible and eventually preferable. As he sees you getting along, laughing, and freeing yourself from tension, he will become more comfortable with moving forward. And slowly but surely, he may begin to believe that not only is a new, improved marriage in your future, but it is the path that is going to make him happiest. Take this very gradually. Begin with the easiest issues first. Then methodically tackle bigger issues as your marriage can withstand it.

Step Four: As Things Improve, Ease Back Into A Romantic Relationship With Guardrails In Place: I honestly believe that this is the hardest step. Because once you get here, things should have dramatically improved. You’re likely dating your separated spouse again and engaging in romantic activity. It is so easy to push when you’ve learned to show restraint. Understandably, you want to get to the finish line. You want to reconcile now. But what else do you want? You want a lasting marriage and you want to never separate again.

So take the time to do it right. Instead of having him move back in right away, begin with weekends. If you have hiccups, regroup, and move forward slowly. Don’t rush because you don’t want to be in a situation where he moves out again. That two-move situation is hard to overcome. You’re better off moving slowly so you can address any issues as they come up. That way, when he does move back in, it will be seamless, sweet, and lasting.

Step Five: Understand That Improving And Strengthening Your Marriage Is An Ongoing Process: Once he moves back in, don’t become complacent. Never take your success for granted. Regularly check in with your spouse and address issues as they come up. Make intimacy and rapport a very high priority. If you can stay deeply connected, small issues do not become big problems and you can move on with confidence and enjoy your married life.

I understand that you want to rush through all these stages and steps and reconcile right away.  But if you have the patience to do it right, you’ll be much more happily married.  And you’ll be confident that your husband is a very willing participant.  You can read about how I eventually did this (after many mistakes) at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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