Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who are already on a possible path toward divorce.  What I mean by that is that their spouse may have already filed for divorce or has already moved out.  Now, it is by no means impossible to save your marriage in these circumstances.  I did and many other couples do it every single day.  But these circumstances do bring challenges.  So, I am always looking for suggestions to help you rescue your marriage BEFORE it gets to a very damaged point so that you have to panic and try to save it.

Below, I’ll list some very common things which I think are some of the biggest contributing factors to divorces (or separations) and suggest some relatively easy things that you might try to fix them.

Critical Thoughts And Nasty Exchanges: This may have surprised you, right? You might have expected money or sexual issues to top this list.  Well, those things are very detrimental also.  But frankly, I have learned that you can tell a lot about a marriage by just observing the way that the two people talk to one another.  When a marriage begins to deteriorate, sometimes if you really watch, you’ll see that the people in it treat co workers and even strangers nicer than their spouse.  This doesn’t make any of us bad people.  Many couples do this.  We live in a high-stress society where those closest to us can absorb the brunt of our frustrations.

But, if we aren’t careful, this can very negatively affect our marriage.  These frustrations turn into critical thoughts. The critical thoughts turn into a nasty tone of voice, unfortunate conversations, and fighting.  If you identify with this description at all, be mindful of your thoughts and words.  This takes practice.  It is often gradual.  But I’ll bet you’ll find that you could be much nicer to your spouse.  And making this effort can pay huge dividends.

Isolating Yourself Or Reaching Out To Others Instead Of To Your Spouse:  The above scenario is likely step one of a marital decline.  But after you begin criticizing each other, fighting, or offering up the silent treatment, you begin to get away from that “us versus them” mentality that you used to have with your spouse.  Whereas you may have previously thought of yourself as a team, you may now reach out to your friends or colleagues instead of confiding in your spouse.  This may seem benign at first.  But in the long run it only deepens the distance between the two of you.  And frankly, this is often the beginning of a lack of intimacy and connection, which can lead to things like infidelity, sexual problems, and those money issues we talked about earlier.

You can address this issue by taking an honest look at it.  How much are you sharing and confiding with your spouse about the things that are important to you?  How often do the two of you really talk?  How often do you have one another’s back?  It is hard to do these things when you have those critical thoughts we talked about earlier, which is why it is important to take a hard look at the marriage as a whole.

An Unwillingness To Adjust And Compromise As Needed: Let’s face it.  Very few of us have the marriage today that we did in the first years of our marriage.  We get to the point where we aren’t kids anymore and we don’t have the luxury of thinking that our lives are going to be all sunshine and light.  We have bills to pay, occasionally sick kids, aging parents, and the reality that all of this now falls on OUR shoulders.  These stressors can suck the life blood out of your marriage if you let them.

That’s why you have to be flexible and adjust.  You have to steal back that time and you have always have to be evaluating, tweaking, and fixing.  It’s so easy to become comfortable and complacent in a marriage.  It feels easier to think “well, this is just the way that it is when you’re married for a while.  It will all work itself out eventually.”  But this type of thinking is what leads to serious marital problems later on.  Complacency is very dangerous. And I believe that it was a huge contributing factor to my separation.  I wanted so desperately to believe that my husband and I were just going through a rough patch that would fix itself with patience.  So I sat back and did nothing.  And that is one of my biggest regrets in my life so far.  Because this complacency almost cost me my marriage.

If you see any of the above, make an effort to get really observant and really honest. Then, ask yourself what steps you can take to remedy the problems. I know that it’s sometimes scary to be vulnerable and to make the first move. But someone has to do it.  Don’t let fear and complacency cause you to do nothing. Because I know first hand that there is a real danger in this.  I almost lost my marriage because of it.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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