Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are stumped about how to address social media when they have decided to separate from their spouse. Often, they don’t have any idea how long the separation will last. And they are unsure about what they should tell others while the separation is ongoing. Should you change your status from married to “other?” Should you wish your spouse a “happy birthday” on social media while you are separated? If so, should you just pretend that everything is normal? Should you try to go above and beyond so that your spouse will see that you are doing everything in your power to make things right? As you can imagine, these issues can be tricky.

Someone might ask about a situation like this one: “I suppose that my husband and I are officially separated. We haven’t taken any legal action whatsoever. But he is staying with his brother while we try to sort things out with our marriage. We haven’t told many people. Our family knows. Our closest friends know. Social media is not something that we sat and down and discussed. We are just pretty private. His birthday is coming up. In the past, I have posted a throwback picture on social media for special occasions. I don’t do this every time. But I’m worried that if I avoid it, he will read something into it. But I worry that if I do post, he will read something into that, too. I’m also concerned that if I post the dang picture, someone will make a comment or ask a question about the separation and I don’t want that, either. How are you supposed to handle social media during a separation? I’ve seen people change their status, but that always feels like overstepping to me.”

Don’t Deviate From Your Norm: The wife in this situation appears to have a very firm grasp on what feels wrong to her and that is a great place to start. When I was separated, I learned to listen to prioritize what was “right” for me, not others. At the end of the day, I agree that it often feels inauthentic to change your social media comfort levels and habits during a separation. If you are a private person who rarely engages with social media, then it is going to feel off to suddenly bare your soul about your personal relationships.

Guard Your Privacy: It can be uncomfortable and painful to have to answer questions from others when it comes to your separation. This can be especially true if the separation is open-ended and evolving. In my view, when you post things on social media, you are just inviting the type of questions and speculation that you wanted to avoid in the first place. If you’re not verbally telling other people about your separation and are choosing to keep it private, then it seems like a no-brainer that you would do the same on social media.

In truth, your marriage (and separation) is a private matter. It is no one else’s business so there is no reason to feel compelled to put your marriage on display for social media. Most people who truly care for you will understand this.

Communication Is Key: As far as the birthday shout out, that’s really up to you and your own comfort level. You could certainly do a very similar throwback post to what you have done before without anyone being the wiser, assuming that no one is going to post a comment that will spill the beans, and therefore require a response or a defense from you.

If this is at all a possibility, then it may be better just to go with a personal card, gift, or get-together with your separated spouse. That way, your husband will certainly know that you are thinking about him without including social media. There’s nothing wrong with just telling your husband the truth: “I was considering posting a throwback on social media but I wanted to avoid any questions or confusion from other people. I am only mentioning this now because I want you to know why I’m not posting. I absolutely do care and I want to celebrate you like I always do. I just don’t want for either of us to have to field any questions.”

Ask Yourself What Is At Risk: I have a friend that absolutely avoided posting any allusion to her separation on social media because, quite frankly, she did not want for other women to take that information and make moves on her separated husband. I know that this may seem like paranoia to some. But quite frankly, sometimes, you can never be too careful. If posting and then worrying about other women gave this wife one more thing to worry about at a time that was already stressful, then honestly – why risk it?

You don’t owe anyone any information. And you should do what makes you comfortable and lessens your stress. By communicating with your husband and agreeing on how you will both handle social media, you can avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. As long as the two of you agree, that is really all that matters. Anyone who is truly a friend or caring family member really should understand.

It can be fun to share the happenings in our lives on social media, but your marriage is sacred. And when it’s struggling, it only makes sense to protect it and to only worry about the two of you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and you do not need to apologize for doing what makes you comfortable and what you feel is the safest thing for your situation.

I know that this a volatile time.  If it helps, there’s more information about how I managed my own separation here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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