Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often write about saving marriages. Or, if a separation or divorce has happened, I sometimes try to help the wife to get her husband back (so long as the relationship was a healthy one worth saving.) Often times, I’m contacted by wives who want to know the “signs that my husband wants me back.” In other words, they want to know what to look for to prove that there is still hope of getting back together. Every husband is different, of course. So the signs can be bit individual. However, there are some universal signals that can tip you off that the marriage is not really over (even if he doesn’t yet know it or can’t or won’t admit it to himself or to you.) Below, I’ll list many of the signs and signals that I commonly see which may indicate that your husband just might want you back – or at least is coming around.

Anything Other Than Indifference: The behavior that is a dead give away that the marriage is officially over is indifference. When a person can honestly and seriously say (although they wish their spouse or ex no ill will), that they truly don’t care what happens in the future, this is a tip-off that they really are done. They have let go once and for all. They don’t keep track of you. They don’t initiate contact. They aren’t at all interested in what is going on with you. They’ve moved on with no ill will and complete, healthy closure. (This is rarely the case that I see, though. But, when you see complete indifference, you really are in trouble.)

With that said, anything other than this offers hope. Wives will often tell me things like “my husband says he hates me,” or “we can’t even stand to be in the same room together,” etc. I will often reply that this is actually a positive sign and I’m sure the wives think that I am crazy, but here’s the truth. If there wasn’t some glimmer of emotion and interest left, then these very strong feelings (even if they appear to be negative) would not be revealing themselves. If your husband truly had no affection or interest left, then he wouldn’t react at all. The fact that he is reacting strongly gives him away. (I wish I had understood this. I responded to strong reactions with my own.  This just got me further from reconciliation.)

Strong Emotions (Even Negative Ones) Can Be A Tip-Off That Your Husband May Eventually Want You Back: Your husband or ex may be making a total jerk of himself. He may be confrontational and insulting. He may be angry and he may insinuate that you aren’t a good parent or that you are conducting yourself in an undesirable way. Here’s the question that you have to ask yourself. Why does he care? Where is this concern coming from? If he had really moved on, would he really be reacting this way? Even though his behavior is annoying and unbecoming, ask yourself why it is coming out like this. Because if he didn’t care at all, you really wouldn’t hear from him at all.

Is He Trying To Take The “Concerned” Approach?: The other side to this same coin is the husband who takes the “concerned” or “protective” approach. In this scenario, the husband will maintain that things are over but will feign guilt and sort of hover or keep an ear out, under the pretense that he wants to make sure that you and the children (if you have any) are OK. The pretense goes that even if you aren’t married or together, you can maintain a positive relationship because it is healthier for all involved. A few husbands actually mean this. But, some use this approach to “feel out” the situation and see if by creating positive interactions, he can determine if the “spark” is still there.

Or, another angle of this same tactic is trying to keep tabs through mutual friends. Or, running into you because he knows your habits and where you’ll be. Again, if he didn’t care at all, he wouldn’t go out of his way.

What To Do If You See Any Of The Signs That May You Suspect Your Husband Wants You Back: The worst thing that you can do is to call your husband on this or ask for clarification. I see many women do this and it almost always turns out badly. The husband becomes scared off because you’re asking him to define something that is probably confusing to him and this brings about negative emotions. If you want your husband back, your primary goal has got to be to establish a series of positive interactions that build upon themselves until you are back on solid ground.

So, if your husband is hovering, trying to keep tabs, or keeps making excuses to run into you, go with it and indicate that you appreciate his concern and agree that you want the relationship to be a positive one, no matter how things turn out. Take it day by day and concentrate on positive, light-hearted, fun, interactions.

If your husband is taking the negative approach, be confident in the fact that he wouldn’t be doing these things if he didn’t care and don’t allow yourself to respond in a negative way. Explain to him that no matter what happens between you, he’s too important to you to allow things to deteriorate this way. He may not believe this at first, but you’re going to show him with your actions, not your words. Again, your goal is to create positive interactions that build upon themselves. Don’t try to define where this is going or push. Just take it day by day.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too late to see and act on these signs. I misread his negativity and I, too, stooped to negative behavior that deteriorated things further. I eventually came to my senses and turned things around, though.  You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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