Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  One of the most common questions that I get or am asked on my “save my marriage blog” is what are the signs of a husband who wants a divorce.  I’m rarely asked for signs indicating the opposite.   But, sometimes wives do notice positive changes in their husband’s attitude or stance on the separation or divorce and they’ll ask me how a husband might act when he’s decided that he wants to work things out and save your marriage.  It’s important to recognize these signs, because when your husband’s attitude shifts, so should yours.  If he’s becoming more receptive to working things out, then you’ll want to place your focus on improving your marriage rather than on changing his mind.  So, in the following article, I’ll offer some signs to look for that might indicate that your husband wants to work things out and save your marriage.

He’s Being Attentive And Involved Again: One of the first signs that your husband has checked out of the marriage or might want a separation or divorce is that he will often distance himself from you or your family.  He might not even realize (or will acknowledge) that he’s doing this, but creating distance is often the first step toward going his own way.  If he’s considering leaving or wants out, you might notice that he’s simply not around as much or, when he is, his mind is a million miles away.

However, if he’s decided that he now wants to work things out, the opposite will be true.  You’ll see him making a noticeable attempt to be present both literally, physically, and emotionally.

He’s Showing You Genuine Emotional And Physical Affection: Husbands who want separations or divorces will generally withdraw their affection.  Sometimes, in the beginning stages of a marriage’s decline, you’ll see a little more affection as the husband is attempting to reignite the spark or see if “anything is still there” between you.  But generally speaking, once he begins to distance himself from you and the marriage, you’ll start to see much less physical affection and emotional support.

However, once he decides that he’s committed to working things out, you should see a noticeable (and genuine) difference in the affection that he shows you.  There should be more spontaneous hugs, hand holding, kissing, sex, etc.  Because when one spouse thinks favorably about the other spouse (as well as about the marriage,) physical affection is the natural outcome of those feelings.  If the feelings don’t exist, then the levels of affection will be reflective of this.

He Continues Or Begins To Talk About Your Marital Future: When a man wants a separation or divorce, you generally won’t often hear him discuss your marriage very far into the future.  What is the point of talking about investments , your hopes, your dreams, and your future plans if he doesn’t intend to stick around to see them come to light.  If your husband is suddenly talking about having children, making investments, buying a house, or taking future vacations, then these things are a good sign.

He’s More Willing To Discuss His Feelings And Reservations If This Will Help Your Marriage Become Stronger: It’s no secret that many husbands cringe when their wives ask them to “work” with them on saving the marriage.  And, a man who knows that deep in his heart that he wants a separation or divorce is usually especially resistant to anything that would save the marriage.  But, if the tide is turning and he truly wants to work things out, you’ll often see him put his reluctance or discomfort aside in order to do what’s best for the marriage.

This is generally when you’ll see him agree to counseling or respond to your requests that he share any concerns or issues with you so that you can both work through them. You should see an openness and willingness to be honest, even if he’s uncomfortable discussing his feelings (as many men are.)

He Tells You That He Wants To Save The Marriage In A Genuine And Believable Way And Then Follows These Assertions With Actions And Behaviors That Match His Words: It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from wives whose husband is insisting that he wants to work things out and to save the marriage, but his actions are not corresponding with his words.  In other words, many husbands will insist that they want to save their marriages, but they continue to distance themselves from their wives.  Sometimes, a man will tell you what he thinks you want to hear and then go right out and act contrary to what he has said.

That’s why you’re looking for genuine and heart felt words that are followed by the actions that back them up.  You want to hear the words, but you also want to see and feel the affection, the effort, and the changes that are taking place.

If I’m Not Seeing These Signs, Does This Mean That My Husband Doesn’t Want To Work Things Out?: Not necessarily.  Often, when I share these signs with wives, I’ll be meant with some anxiety.  Many wives will say that they’ve seen one or two of these signs but certainly not all of them.  They worry that this means that their husband doesn’t truly want to save the marriage.  This isn’t always the case.  Like us, men can have some doubts and fears and might be taking a “wait and see” attitude.  They might want to save their marriage, but aren’t sure if it’s going to be possible.  Or they may really want to work things out, but they don’t like feeling so vulnerable when they’re stepping outside of their comfort zone by focusing on their feelings.

The point is, if you’re seeing all of these signs (or even not many of them,) embrace the positive signals that you are seeing and then continue to work on your marriage with an upbeat and positive attitude that is often infectious. I firmly believe that it’s possible to save your marriage when your husband still has doubts or isn’t fully cooperating, especially in the early stages of the process.  It’s a little more involved than if you have his full cooperation, but it’s certainly possible.  And even wives who see all of these signs still have work to do.  Merely having two people who are willing to save the marriage doesn’t mean that it’s automatically going to be saved.  It takes work, some skill, some luck, and a very workable plan that’s eventually carried out by both people.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t see many of these signs in my own marriage.  My own husband was very reluctant to work things out with me. Trying to convince and strong arm him to change his mind back fired on me in a big way. Luckily, I decided to show him my sincerity and love for him with my genuine actions rather than my words. And it worked. You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/ . Also, if you’re having trouble transitioning from wanting to save your marriage to actually having it happen, there’s some good free resources on the side of this blog.

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