Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you had asked me the above question ten years ago, I would have thought it was silly.  I would have thought something like: “what do you mean how do you know if your husband wants out of your marriage?  You know because he will tell you.  You’ll know because he will start looking for another place to live.”  At least this is what I used to think back when I was very naive.  I used to foolishly believe that wives whose husbands want to leave the marriage know this without any doubt.  I used to think that it wasn’t a surprise when a man left.  Until it happened to me.  Now I realize that there were signs – but I missed the severity of them because I was under a huge amount of stress and because, well, I probably just didn’t want to see it.

But I believe that in some circumstances there are hard-to-read signs.  And while I know that you could straight out ask your husband if he wants out of your marriage, I understand why you’d first want to look for the signs instead.  Below are signs I’ve experienced or seen.  I can’t guarantee that they will be there in every situation. I also can’t guarantee that if you don’t see them, your marriage is fine.  Or that if you do see them, your marriage is in trouble.  I offer this just to give you something to think about or a starting point.  You know your husband and your marriage better than anyone else.

He’s No Longer Turning To You For A Variety Of Things:  I recently asked questioned someone about this very thing.  She suspected a problem in her marriage and I asked if her husband was no longer turning to her.  She really didn’t understand.  She said: “no longer turning to me for what?”  Really, it could be for everything or anything.  No longer turning to you as a confidant.  No longer turning to you for your opinion or advice.  No longer turning to you to listen.  No longer turning to you for affection or sex.

Now, these things don’t need to happen all at once.  And they are not always as obvious as they may seem.  In the time period before my separation, my husband was actually more sweet to me than normal because he was trying to reach out.  He didn’t want to feel what he was starting to feel.  And so he was trying to fix things with his own welcoming behavior. Sometimes, a separation comes as a big shock because your husband is still at the “reaching out point.”

But after that, he begins to pull away.  If he doesn’t get positive feedback from his attempts to reach out, that’s when he’ll stop turning to you.  This might be subtle.  He may start going out with his friends because now he is reaching out to them for fun or support instead of you.  Or, he may talk about his job to his sister instead of you.  He is doing this (even if he doesn’t realize it) because he is trying to replace these roles in his life.

He Doesn’t Want To Make Plans For The Future:  Right before my husband left, I began to get a vibe that all was not right.  Yes, I was way-late with this vibe.  But I did get a whiff of it right beforehand.  At that point, I told myself that my husband and I were way too busy and stressed and I suggested (way too late) that we plan a trip to just get away.  My husband would not commit to that and I could not understand why.  I suggested going to places I knew that he had loved in the past. And still, he didn’t want to make plans.  He said why don’t we just wait and see what happens. Of course, he knew what was going to happen.  I was slower on the uptake.

You may see this manifest itself in all sorts of ways – him being reluctant to buy a home, start a family, or make long-term decisions or commitments when it comes to you or your marriage.  But a man who knows that he may not be in the marriage in the future is often not willing to make plans or commitments that will occur in that same future.

He’s Acting Overly Critical, Sad, Or Depressed:  Looking back now, I can see that in the days leading up to my husband leaving, he seemed off.  I remember him making comments about how disappointing it was to be an adult sometimes.  Or how his life was not turning out as he envisioned it.  Interestingly enough, he didn’t really link our marriage or me to these disappointments.  But I probably should or could have read between the lines.  Often, a man contemplating a major life change like a separation will have some sadness or mixed feelings.  And you may see that come out in a variety of ways.

Often, he thinks that the separation is going to improve what is wrong with his life.  Unfortunately, some men will leave when their problems don’t have anything to do with their marriage.  And they don’t figure this out until the damage has already been done.

These are just three of some of the biggest warning signs that I see.  If you’re seeing them in your own marriage, it certainly doesn’t mean that your husband is going to leave or that he wants out immediately.  But I don’t think it hurts to give your marriage a dose of extra attention and care if you are seeing them.  Things turned out OK for us in the end, but I sure wish I’d paid more attention to the signs. It would have saved a lot of time and pain.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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