Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you don’t want a divorce but you suspect or know that your spouse does, then you are always on the lookout for any indication that he is just posturing or trying to get a reaction out of you. Many will think that this sort of seeking is really just seeing what you want to see, but quite honestly it is not uncommon for one spouse to mention a divorce (or even file for one) with no real intention of following the through. Because these are basically just threats meant to get your attention.

But, how do you know if your spouse is just putting on a show or if he really and truly wants a divorce? Here’s a common question related to this. A wife might say: “my husband actually filed for divorce about six months ago. However, he has not progressed to anything beyond the initial filing. Nothing has happened with the case. And he never mentions the divorce. If I ask about it, he tells me that he will get around to it eventually. Some of my friends say that he doesn’t act like a man who really wants a divorce. He still keeps in touch with me. He will sometimes see something on TV or read something that he thinks I am interested in and he will call me about it. He actually told me that the other day was the anniversary of the day that we first met. I don’t dare tell him that he’s not acting like a typical man who wants a divorce. Because I don’t want him to take a hard stance and stop being nice to me. But part of me is afraid that I’m seeing something that isn’t there because I want to. Part of me knows that my husband is a kind person who hates conflict. So even if we divorce, he’s going to want to be on good terms. That’s just the kind of man he is. What are some signs that a man doesn’t want a divorce?”

I’ll go over what I think are some of the signs below. But first, I have to agree with the friend that many of the signs that this wife was seeing aren’t typical of the type of behavior that I see from people who want a quick and sure divorce. This doesn’t mean that this husband doesn’t, but his behavior doesn’t appear to be typical. Here are some signs that you might see when a man isn’t completely sure that he wants a divorce and instead may be wanting a reaction or a change in behavior from you.

He Is Making No Effort To Move The Divorce Forward: I am certainly not an attorney. And I don’t pretend to know anything about the divorce process as far as the legalities are concerned. But typically, divorces follow a linear process and the attorney handling one will help their client move on to the next step each time. If you’re not seeing any progress, it could be that your husband is consciously holding off. Of course, he could have an attorney whose attention is focused on another case. This is only speculation. But many divorces move forward at least in a pattern that you can see over time.

He Makes No Effort To Get A Sense Of Separation: I’m not talking about your living arrangements here. I’m talking about separating emotionally. Typically, when people anticipate that they will soon be divorced and therefore single, they start distancing themselves from their spouse. They may even distance themselves from their spouse’s family and friends as the future doesn’t include them anymore. You will often also see them separating themselves financially. They often do not talk about the future and they don’t reach out to the woman who will soon be their ex wife.

The Subtle Difference Between Remaining On Good Terms And Remaining In A Relationship: I am very aware that many people who anticipate a divorce make every effort to remain friendly with their spouse. When I was facing a divorce, I was adamant about this myself. Because staying on good terms is just beneficial to everyone. And many people do this. But wanting to maintain a cordial but distant relationship (so that you can move on) is different than caring enough to reference your relationship, to hang onto romantic memories, and to want to spend time bonding with your spouse.

It’s actually very common for people to have second thoughts about a divorce after they have filed. They often file in anger or on impulse. But once reality hits and you have to face the realization that you have set into motion events that might mean you won’t be married to your spouse anymore, then you will often rethink your actions.

Of course, in time, things may become more clear. Your husband might make romantic overtures toward you or he may come clean about his true feelings. My inclination here is to be patient. You don’t want to apply pressure and cause him to move forward with the divorce just to get a resolution or to keep you from continuing to question him.

As long as things are good before you, I don’t see any harm in just following this path and seeing it through. In my opinion, there is no down side in maintaining a positive relationship, especially if it leads to a reconciliation.

I admit that part of my “maintaining a good relationship stance” was meant to be the starting point to a reconciliation.  But I was never the one who wanted the separation or the divorce.  And when my husband stopped talking about the divorce, I was hopeful that he was starting to see things differently.  It turned out that I was right about this because we never divorced.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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