Signs That A Separated Husband Has Moved On, At Least Emotionally
I often hear from separated wives who are terrified that their husband has (or is getting ready to) “move on.” The wives are very worried that the husband is beginning to envision his life without her in it. She worries that he is starting to potentially see himself as a single person. This is her worst-case scenario because she is still very invested in her marriage and wants to save it.
A wife might say, “I’m so afraid that my husband has moved on from our marriage. We are not yet divorced. In fact, my husband hasn’t even mentioned a divorce yet. He hasn’t taken all of his clothes from our home. But I can see him slowly and surely distancing himself from our marriage. He vacations with friends. He makes plenty of plans that do not include me. He made an individual investment without even asking me if I wanted to be included. I have no idea if he is seeing other people. If so, he is not doing it openly. At the same time, he never asks if I am seeing anyone else. He does not seem to care. I feel a shift. I suspect that he is starting to move on. And if this is true, I know that a divorce will shortly follow. I have talked to my husband’s sister and my best friend about this and both say that I am being melodramatic. However, even my husband’s sister admits that my husband will not talk to her about what is going on with him, which also concerns me. What are some signs that I should look for to show that he is starting the process of moving on?”
I hate to even address this because I know of many couples who showed all the signs of “moving on” and then they eventually reconciled somewhere down the road. (I include myself in this.) I even know couples who divorced and reconciled. Some had even remarried and most definitely had “moved on,” but later reconciled with their ex-spouse. So sure, there might be signs that he’s started the process of moving forward. But I’m not sure this is always a sure sign that your marriage is over. You might see things like him moving money around so that you have separate accounts. He may begin to divide up your assets and may even begin to shop for an attorney, seek a new, permanent home, and to consider the possibility of divorce. He may start dropping verbal hints that you should plan your future alone. Most people would agree that these types of things are “moving on signs.”
However, I have to tell you that I saw some of these signs too. When we were separated, my husband began to use “I” an awful lot more than he used “we.” He visibly and psychologically distanced himself from me. He avoided me. He went on plenty of outings without me and did not even consider me in his plans. I was pretty sure that he was beginning to move on and that he would continue on with this process until we were divorced. Because of this, I pretty much fled. I deemed it to be a lost cause, so I went to my hometown for an extended stay in order to be surrounded by those who I loved. I figured that this way, I couldn’t continue to bother my husband and being around supportive people might take my mind away from the awful things that were going on with my marriage. The pause was actually beneficial because it changed my perspective somewhat. Unbelievably to me, when I returned, my husband began to initiate contact. Things happened very slowly. Initially, it was just friendly and cordial contact. It was just sort of a “checking in.” I wasn’t my normal clingy self because I still wasn’t hopeful that my husband would come around. There was a long process between that day and the day that we officially reconciled. But my change in perception was the beginning. And I saw plenty of “moving on” signs from my husband. In fact, I had started to accept the fact that I myself might be better off “moving on.” And yet, here we are.
Sure, there are signs in any separation that you don’t want to see. You don’t want to see your spouse separate assets, or date other people, or begin to see an attorney. But even when you see signs that unsettle you, keep in mind that you don’t have to respond or react in any way that you don’t want to. Sometimes, you just have to do what is healthy for you at the time. I never really gave up hope, although I had started to live my life again, since it wasn’t fair to put myself on hold.
I think that it’s best not to panic or to let that panic cause your relationship with your spouse to completely close down because of fear. Try to maintain a decent relationship because regardless of what happens, that’s the best way to go about it. Being cordial makes things easier. And you never know what may happen down the line. I think my husband thought that he was moving on. But it didn’t end up that way at all. I kept hope in the back of my mind, but knew that I had to continue to try to live my life. You can read the story of how we reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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