Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of women who are walking a very fine emotional tightrope. Their husband has left. Maybe he says he needs space. Maybe he says he’s not sure if he wants the marriage anymore. Maybe he won’t give you any reason at all. And now, these panicked wives  are left wondering:

“Should I reach out to him? Will it help—or just push him further away?”

It’s a painful, confusing place to be. Your heart says yes. Your fear says no. And your mind can’t seem to decide what’s “right.”

If you’re stuck in that space, I want to walk with you through some things to think about. Because whether or not you reach out isn’t just about timing—it’s about how and why you do it. And about how you can do it successfully. Some approaches reopen the door. Others gently close it without meaning to.

Let’s look at what truly helps—and what quietly hurts your chances.

What Often Hurts When You Reach Out Too Soon Or In The Wrong Way: Let’s start here, because so many women fall into these patterns (and I say that with complete compassion—because I did it, too).

One of the things that hurt your attempts at reconciliation is reaching out from panic, fear, or desperation
If your message feels like: “Why won’t you talk to me?” “I don’t understand how you could do this to us.”
“Please come home. I can’t do this without you.”

Then chances are, he’s going to emotionally recoil. Not because he doesn’t care, but because it reinforces the very pressure or tension that may have caused him to pull away in the first place. No one wants to feel like they are solely responsible for someone else’s well-being.

Another thing that hurts is trying to force resolution too quickly Many women want clarity and reassurances—now. They reach out, hoping for answers to questions like: “Do you still love me?” “Are we going to fix this?” “Is there someone else?”

But if a husband has stepped away to process or protect his emotions, being cornered for decisions he’s not ready to make will usually lead to more silence and distance —not progress.

The third big mistake I see is using guilt instead of grace. Statements like, “After everything I’ve done for you…” or “You’re tearing this family apart,” may feel true, but they rarely create the kind of emotional opening you’re hoping for. They make him feel like a bad person, and it’s just human nature to want to flee that kind of accusation.

What Helps When You Reach Out With Purpose and Balance: Here’s the good news: you can reach out. But the tone, timing, and intention make all the difference.

The first thing you can do it reach out from a place of calm, not chaos. Before you type that message or pick up the phone, ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I need something right now? Or because I’m strong enough to offer something instead?”

When you reach out from emotional steadiness, your message will land very differently. Try simple openings like: “Just thinking of you today. I hope you’re doing okay,” or “No pressure, but I’m here if and when you feel ready to talk.” Or “No pressure, but I’m here if and when you feel ready to talk” can gently re-open the door without pushing it off the hinges.

Give Him The Space To Miss You: Sometimes silence is not punishment—it’s strategy.
Giving space allows natural longing to develop. If he hears from you every few hours or every day, he never has the chance to wonder, “What is she doing? Is she okay? Do I miss her?” That gap matters more than most people realize.

Send Signs of Peace, Not Pressure: Instead of saying, “We need to talk,” try:
“I’m focused on approaching this in a healthy way at the pace that works for us both. No expectations—I just wanted you to know that I’m open to talking when you are.”

This shows maturity, patience, and confidence. It invites, but it doesn’t demand.

My Honest Answer About Reaching Out During A Separation: If you’re asking whether it’s always wrong to reach out after a separation, the answer is no. But if you’re asking whether reaching out will automatically fix things or speed up his return, the answer is also no.

What I’ve seen over and over again is this: It’s not reaching out that makes the difference. It’s how you make him feel when you do. If your message stirs guilt, pressure, or tension—he’s likely to shut down. If your message creates calm, curiosity, or comfort—he’s more likely to stay open.

So yes, you can reach out. But make sure you do it when you’re emotionally centered (even if still hurting,) you’re not demanding anything from him, and you’re  strong enough not to fall apart if he doesn’t immediately respond the way you hope

Because sometimes the most powerful message isn’t “I need you.” It’s “I’m still here, but I’m okay—even now.”

That’s the kind of strength that pulls a man back toward you, even after he’s walked away. I know this because I had to use this same messaging to lure my husband back after he left. You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin