Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: If you suspect that your marriage is in trouble, you may have entertained the idea of encouraging your spouse – or even yourself – to change for the sake of your marriage. But even when this idea seems like a necessary one, many people intuitively know that it will be a challenge to carry out in actual practice. Most people don’t willingly change the core of who they are, and they’re very resentful when asked to do so. How realistic is it to want your spouse to change? Is it right to do so, especially if those same changes might save your marriage?

Someone might explain, “my husband and I have opposite personalities. This has always been the case, and, at the beginning of our relationship, this worked for us. I liked that my husband was rebellious. He liked that I was brainy and calm. But today, I see him as somewhat immature, and he sees me as a nag. He handles our money horribly, and he allows our children to run amok. He is basically a good time Charlie instead of a father. Don’t get me wrong. At times, his laid back attitude is charming. But other times, it’s inappropriate. Children need structure. Finances need discipline. But when I mention these things, he tells me to lighten up. I’ve been increasingly frustrated, and I told him that if he is going to continue to act this way, I’m unsure about our marriage going forward. He was angry at me, but said he would try to change and tone down his behavior. So far, he hasn’t done very much changing. I talked to some mutual friends about this, and many of them said that my husband will never change. They tell me that I just need to take the good with the bad, since at his core, he’s a lovable guy. He can be endearing, and they make a good point. But I just want to change a few vitally important issues. How realistic is this? And is it fair to ask?”

I have a pretty strong opinion on this based on my own experience, from speaking with experts, and from observations of other couples. My husband and I are also opposites, and we did have some personality conflicts that contributed to our separation. However, when both of us tried to make drastic changes, not only did it not work, but it bred resentment and defensiveness. So, we tweaked things a bit and came up with an alternative plan, which worked much better. What works for us may not work for everyone, but I’ll outline it here in case it helps.

You Can’t (And Shouldn’t Be Asked) To Changed Who You Are: I don’t believe that a person can change who they are at their core, even if they desperately wanted to. If the husband above suddenly became strict and humorless, then he would be a completely different person, and not the man that the wife initially fell in love with. Here is another example. I am very introverted, and my husband is the opposite. There were certainly times in my marriage (and during my separation) when I wished that I weren’t so shy and soft spoken. But, when I try to pretend to be outgoing and extremely extraverted, it almost never works. Not only am I extremely uncomfortable (and so is everyone around me,) but my attempts are just awkward and not very convincing. Likewise, when my husband tries to tamp down his personality, he’s pretty miserable. He is a person who needs to be able to express himself. Asking him not to is like asking him to hide one of the best parts of himself.

That said, you can and should change the repetitive behaviors that are hurting your marriage, which leads me to my next point.

Change The Most Troubling Behaviors, Not The Person: I have learned that you can work with your core personality, but still change the troubling behaviors that are hurting your marriage. Using the example of my introversion above, it is important for me to understand that although I’m most comfortable in solitary or small group situations, my husband enjoys the energy of a large group of his extended family and close friends. I love my husband, so I’m going to rise to the occasion when interacting with other people who he loves. We regularly socialize with these family and friends. And although this isn’t my most comfortable place, I make the effort because it is important to my husband and I love him. The slight discomfort I only occasionally feel pales in comparison to the pride I see on his face when I’m laughing and joking around with the people who are important to him. To balance things out, I give myself solitary time before or after these outings, and my husband is more than happy to oblige and give me his undivided attention.

Likewise, I’m never going to ask my husband to give up the outings that he loves, but he does agree to reciprocate and give us some alone time where it is just the two of us, which is very important to me. He also agrees that he’s not going to risk any joint money, but he is free to make aggressive investments with his personal accounts. (He is adventurous with money, and I am incredibly conservative.) Neither of us wants to harm our marriage by fighting about money, so we each stay in our comfort zones financially.

Compromises Can Contribute To Real Change: I am never going to be the life of the party. And my husband is never going to be a bookworm. But we make it work with compromise, and by identifying, and then addressing, the behaviors that were hurting our marriage the most.

In the example above, the wife could accept her husband’s laid-back personality, while asking him to commit to more structure when it comes to children and the finances. As she made it clear that she wasn’t trying to change him at the core (because she LOVES who he is,) he may be more receptive to working with her to create stability for their children, which was the most important issue. It wasn’t that she didn’t love her husband’s personality, it was just that sometimes, adult responsibilities mean that we put our base impulses on the back burner for the greater good of our family.

I do this every single day. Being in a strong marriage and a happy family is a strong motivator for making these very small compromises. So to answer the original question, it is not realistic to change who your spouse is, but it is very realistic (and even advisable) to change the behaviors that are harming your marriage.

If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how we navigated this and similar issues during our separation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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