Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Much of the time, I hear from people who are trying to break through to their spouse during a marital or trial separation.  They want to see or talk to their spouse more often so that they can make some progress. Occasionally though, I hear from someone who is trying to set boundaries. Often, this person has initiated the separation because they want space. They need some time away from their spouse, but they are afraid that their spouse is not going to accept this and they are looking for a way to set the boundaries in a healthy way.

Someone might say: “I need some time away from my husband. I have a lot of thinking to do. I am not sure about my marriage or my life anymore. I feel like I need a change in my life. I feel like I need to honestly evaluate what is working for me and what is not. I have asked for a separation because of this. My husband does not like this. He doesn’t understand why I can’t just go on a mini vacation for a couple of days and then come back home. I don’t want to feel rushed. I want to take the time that I need. I am worried that he won’t respect that I need this time. Should I set some boundaries? And if so, how? I feel like it’s silly to tell my own husband how often I want him to call or how much I want to see him. But I don’t want to deal with seeing or talking to him non stop if I don’t say anything. Otherwise, what is the point of the separation?”

I always advocate agreeing to a schedule before the separation actually takes place. Usually, when couples do not agree, this becomes a huge point of contention between them. Lots of time can go by before they see each other and this can cause the separation to deteriorate as both people make assumptions about the other’s motivations.

So I think it’s very wise to have a conversation about this. But before you do, I want to stress that you want to consider your spouse’s feelings too. In my own situation, I was the spouse who didn’t want the space and who was afraid that the separation was going to mean a divorce. So you want to realize that you if you are not careful, your spouse is going to hear these boundaries as a directive that you want to see them as little as possible or just don’t want to be bothered by them.

You want to respect the fact that because they are scared, they are going to need to at least touch base regularly so they do not assume the worst. Ask yourself what is reasonable in your eyes. How can you offer them some reassurance but still get your space?

You might try a conversation like: “before we actually start this, I want to come to an agreement about how we will communicate and how often. I want to establish this beforehand because we are calm right now and it’s probably better to deal with this in a time of calm. I know it’s very important that we keep in contact. But I also think it’s important that we don’t go overboard on this because if we do, it’s going to be a challenge to evaluate how we are feeling. At first, how about we talk every other day and then meet for dinner on weekends? As we go along in the process, we can reevaluate.”

I think it’s a decent idea to agree to meet with your spouse weekly. This gives them something to look forward to and I think it helps them to be more patient during the rest of the week because they know that they will access to you at week’s end.

If your spouse is hesitant to agree to this, then listen to what he has to say.  He may be a compromise somewhere. If the separation has started and you find your spouse calling you too much, think about asking him to text instead of to call. That way, you can just text back that you’re busy at this particular time, but you will call him tomorrow. You don’t want to completely disappear on your spouse or be inaccessible. Because if you do this, then he will likely just cling more tightly to you and you might see the phone calls increase instead of decrease.

I’d like to finish with one final thought. Sometimes, it’s premature to make assumptions. You’re assuming that you won’t want regular contact before you’ve even begun. Many people find that they miss their spouse more than anticipated and those regular phone calls are enjoyed by both of you. So it can be hard to gauge how much communication you are going to want when this process is just beginning. But establishing some guidelines beforehand is alway a good idea.

My husband and I didn’t really have guidelines during our separation. And this turned out to be a big problem.  Because I was definitely in touch more than he wanted me to be.  It was hard to back off, but that’s exactly what I had to do. You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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