Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many separated wives are very concerned about the well-being of their children when separation or divorce is on the horizon.  This is typically just one reason that the wives don’t want a divorce.  And they hope that if they can make their husband realize that the children are going to be very negatively affected by splitting the family, then perhaps the husband will change his mind.  I heard from a wife who said: “We told our children two weeks ago that my husband is going to be moving out soon because we may be getting divorced.  Since that time, our children have been acting out.  One got in a fight at school and the other has had horrible stomach pains.  They both keep asking when their father is going to move out. I hear them crying after I put them to bed at night.  I am not sure if I should tell my husband about this.  I’m afraid that he is going to think that I’m only bringing it up to change his mind. He knows that I have been fighting the divorce the whole time.  To be honest, if using the children is what it takes, then I’m willing to do it.  Because I know that this split is wrong.  I know that this is not the best thing for my family.  I know that my husband’s mid-life crisis is the reason that he is doing this. So I feel like that maybe I should show him how much this is hurting our kids so that he will change his mind and save us all a lot of unnecessary pain.  What do you think?”  I have a definite opinion about this which I will share below.

Make Sure That You Aren’t Using Guilt As A Weapon When You Discuss Your Children’s Well Being:  I firmly believe that the husband should know about what is happening with his children.  They are his kids too, and any decent parent is going to be concerned.  The real key is to be careful about how you approach him.  You do not want him to think that you are using guilt as a weapon because if he believes this, then he may not take your message seriously.  And this is a dire message that he needs to fully understand.  So a suggested script might be something like: “I need to talk to you about some things that I’m noticing with the kids’ behavior.  You’re their father, and I feel that you have a right to know.  I always want for us to be able to share information that relates to our children’s well-being, no matter what happens between us or what happens with our children.  So I want to share with you that they are really struggling.  They have physical stomach pains.  The oldest is fighting at school.  They are both crying themselves to sleep at night.  I believe that we should address this quickly before it gets worse.”

Notice that you are not suggesting that he change his mind.  You’re not even saying that divorce is the problem.  Instead, you are merely suggesting that you address it, but you are leaving the solution open-ended in the hopes that he will come to the right decision on his own.  Because if you push, he is very likely to think that you are only bringing it up to call off the divorce.  So it’s important that you play this very carefully.  Make sure that it is clear that your concern is for the kids and not meant only to get him to change his mind.

Understand That He Needs To Change His Mind About You Or The Marriage Before He Can Change His Mind About The Divorce:  People often try to use external things to get a man to change his mind about divorce and sometimes these things even work for the short term.  But changes based on guilt or other negative feelings are not very likely to last. Sure, it may buy you a little time. But eventually, he is likely to pursue divorce again if you don’t solve your problems.  And when he does, it is going to be very difficult to get him to change his mind a second or a third time.  You are better off working very hard to show him that it is safe to change his mind about your marriage because the marriage is changing and improving also.  Because once he does this, then he will no longer need to pursue a divorce.

So as much as I believe that he needs to know and understand how his children are hurting, don’t use this issue as a way to guilt him out of a divorce.  I completely agree with wanting to change his mind.  In fact, I changed my own husband’s mind.  But I didn’t do it with guilt (although I tried that and found that the strategy backfired.)  I did it with a sound strategy, patience, and hard work. I’m not going to tell you that it’s easy. But it is definitely possible.

I completely agree with you that it is your children’s best interest to avoid a divorce.  And a man who is a good parent will likely be concerned.  This might help to give you some access to him.  But don’t rely solely on the children to change his mind.  Instead, make real changes that he can see and believe in so that he wants to remain a family that is living under the same roof.

My husband and I didn’t have children at the time that our marriage was in real trouble so this issue didn’t come into play for us, but remaining a family was certainly a central issue.  I did not understand the poison of negativity when we separated.  Because of this, we almost divorced.  But once I educated myself, I was able to turn things around pretty quickly and save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin