Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who have arranged to begin a trial separation because something in their marriage is less than satisfactory. They often feel badly or guilty about this, but they are hoping that having some time apart will give them much needed perspective. They often wonder just how much of their unhappiness they should share with their spouse. The hope is that they can work through their problems while separated. And, in order for this to happen, their spouse might need some more information. But there is often some hesitation because they fear that it will just look like they are complaining or being critical.

A comment that demonstrates this is something like: “I am the one who wants the separation. I’m very unfulfilled and feel stuck within my marriage. My husband is a good man. I still love him. But honestly, he bores me. All he wants to do is put in his forty hours per week and then sit at home on weekends and ‘relax’ in front of the television.  He’s no longer that attentive to me. He’s no longer particularly ambitious at his job. Frankly, he now reminds me of his father, who I never really liked. I didn’t see this coming, but I also can’t deny it. I want him to make some major changes. I need for him to want to share life’s adventures with me. Now that we have some stability financially, I want to travel and experience new things. But my husband is content to just stay home and tread water, which is never going to make me happy. I’ve made a list of all of the things that my husband needs to do in order to make me happy again. I have considered giving the list to my husband, but I am afraid he will take it in the wrong way. I’m afraid he will become defensive and hurt and therefore will not do anything on the list. Should I give him the list? Or is that just too much for a man who is so worried that he is losing his wife?”

Attempting To See This From Your Spouse’s Point Of View: I can answer this in a couple of ways. I can tell you my opinion. And I can tell you how I would have felt if my unhappy husband had given me this type of list. In my own situation, it was my husband who was unhappy in our marriage and who initiated the separation. I would have wanted to know what he was basing his unhappiness on. When your spouse approaches you about separating, your first question is almost always ‘why.’ The list will answer many of those questions and this is a good thing.

At the same time though, when your spouse wants to separate from you, it can be an extremely scary and hurtful time. You often wonder if you’re going to love your spouse and whether they love you anymore. When you are presented with a list that outlines all of your shortcomings and insinuates that you need to make these changes or else, it could cause panic and actually do more harm than good. It can make your spouse feel as if they can never win no matter what because you are so unhappy.

Finding A Compromise That Gets Attention But Doesn’t Cause Pain: That said, I think that having the information in the list is important. But, I believe that there’s a way to convey this information without hurting your spouse. Instead of just coldly handing over a list, have a calm and loving conversation instead. Before you leave, ask your spouse if the two of your can meet for dinner. Depending on how you think your spouse might receive this message, you might chose to have it at a restaurant (to encourage you both to stay calm) or if you’re not worried about things getting out of hand, then you can have this conversation in the privacy of your own home.

You might try something like: “I know that this separation is upsetting to you. That is the last thing that I want. You may not realize this, but I want the same thing that you do. Ultimately, I want to save our marriage. But in order for that to happen, we both need to see some positive changes that we can count on. We need this so that when we do come back together, our marriage is actually going to last. Can we talk about some of those things now?”

Hopefully, at this point, your spouse will be receptive to hearing what you are going to say. Once they agree to listen, then gently lay out what you need to say. But be careful that you aren’t saying so much that it becomes overwhelming. See if you can group similar issues together so that you aren’t talking endlessly about where you are unhappy. You want to give your spouse specifics so that you will see results, but you certainly don’t want to overwhelm or discourage them. And you don’t want for them to feel that there is no hope. The idea is to give them specific information so that they actually feel motivated and hopeful.

But to answer the original question, I would hesitate to give your spouse a laundry list of their faults. But, I think it’s important that they have the information that might help them save their marriage. And luckily, I think that there is a compassionate way to share this information so that it actually gives your spouse hope rather than taking it away.

As I alluded to, I do wish that my husband would have been more specific about why he wanted a separation.  Because he didn’t, I was left to guess.  And that was painful also.  We did eventually save our marriage but it was probably more difficult because I didn’t have all of the information.  If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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