Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When a wife is separated but doesn’t want to be, she’ll often brainstorm things she can do that might improve things. One very common strategy is to try to make some changes both in herself and in her marriage.  

People often mistakenly think you can’t save your marriage by yourself. And while I’ll concede that your husband will need to be on board eventually, I know firsthand that there is much you can do to improve your marriage completely on your own. And making individual changes falls into this category.

Still, wives often wonder how and when to disclose these changes. After all, if you’re not seeing or talking to your husband all of the time, how will he actually believe that you’ve changed?

A wife might say, “My husband and I are separated. And although he’s acted very resistant to me, and basically told me there’s nothing I can do to change his mind, I’ve made some active changes. I know he doesn’t like my constant ability to worry and focus on the pessimistic side of things. This side of my personality has hurt our marriage. So I’ve been in therapy, and I think I’ve made a great deal of progress. But I’m not sure how and when to bring this up to him. If I just come out and ask him if he’s noticed any difference in me, I’ll sound like I’m fishing for a compliment, and I’m really not. I just want him to be aware that I’m actively trying to improve things. Should I straight up tell him about the changes I’ve made?”

It Comes Off as More Genuine if He Notices on His Own:  

Whether to come out and tell him is a tough question. I too made some significant changes during my own separation. And I always felt it was more effective to let my husband detect the changes on his own. Then, if he asked me about them, I was free to further explain. And this method worked well enough some of the time. But other times, he didn’t specifically notice. Sure, he might have noticed that something was new or better, but he wasn’t sure what that thing was.

Still, I always had the concern that if I had to bring the changes to my husband’s attention, he might find this less genuine. There were a few changes that I only told him about once we reconciled. And there were other changes that he noticed and asked me about. 

Try to Drop Hints Before You Just Come Out With It:

If after a long time, your husband doesn’t notice the changes, you could mention that you’re in therapy and then see if your husband will pick up this thread. If he does, you could then ask him if he notices that you’re less anxious and pessimistic since this is something you’ve been specifically working on.

However, I do think that this is something that he might notice over time without your needing to bring his attention to it. And he might be happier to be the one to discover this.

You have to be careful about claiming too much, as husbands in this situation can be overly sensitive to your making claims because you’re trying to manipulate them. That’s why you mustn’t make any claim that isn’t genuine or complete.

In other words, it may not be completely accurate to say that you’re absolutely no longer anxious and pessimistic. Why? Because a stressful situation will undoubtedly rear its head and you might then display some anxiety, which is perfectly normal. 

That’s why it’s often better (and more accurate) to say that you are working on the anxiety and feel like you’ve made a significant amount of progress.

Allow him to be the one to decide how far you’ve come. That makes any claim feel so much more legitimate and less forced. 

If You’ve Hit Momentum, Keep Going: 

It can be beneficial to make sure you don’t just stop with one change. Often, when you’re separated, many sub-issues lead up to it. You don’t have to address everyone at once. That would be overwhelming and very difficult.

But I found that when I made a few positive changes, I gained momentum, so I kept going. It feels good to take control and to make the changes that were a long time coming.  

Even if your husband doesn’t know about or doesn’t notice all of the changes, YOU notice and YOU know. And sometimes, especially in the beginning, that can be enough.

After all, your goal shouldn’t only be to make changes that are going to make him happy. Your goal should be to make the changes that also make you happy. Most of the time, these types of changes are going to make your life easier and are going to make you feel more at peace in your own skin.

Sure, it matters that he eventually notices and understands the commitment and effort that you are making. But don’t make your own change and improvement contingent on his notice or approval. Do this for you. Do this for your marriage. And trust that as you make legitimate and lasting changes, he will eventually notice and appreciate it.

As I said, I did make some changes. But not all of them were noticed.  They were still worth making, however.  And a few of them made a significant difference in our ability to reconcile.  You can read more at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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