Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Laid-back is probably the last phrase that I would use to describe myself during my own separation. No, I wasn’t laid back at all. In fact, I was uptight, full of anxiety, and unable to stop myself from constantly fretting about the future. I intellectually knew that all of this wasn’t helping me or the separation any, but at that time, I didn’t have any decent control over my emotions.

And I know that I am not the only person who has ever experienced this. I hear from a lot of wives who may normally be quite relaxed in other areas of their lives, but who have a difficult time not clinging too tightly when it comes to their separations. As a result, we often have people offer us unsolicited advice which suggest that we just sit back and watch how things unfold.

Even our own husbands sometimes ask that we do this. A wife once told me that her husband indicated that what they really needed to do was to take a “wait and see attitude about the whole thing.” I’m paraphrasing her, but she recounted something like this: “I will admit that I am all up in arms over what my husband is doing and thinking during the separation. I admit that I like to keep tabs on him and that when we are together, I am full of questions. My husband says I can ask a question several different ways better than any journalist he knows. The other day, I was asking him for about the millionth time what he thought would be happening in our marriage six months from now, and his response to me was: ‘have you ever considered just taking a wait and see attitude? Because neither of us can possibly say or predict what is going to happen.’ He says that by being so anxious all of the time, I make it more likely that we will not have a good result. And he wants me to take a step back and agree to just wait and see. I sort of take offense to this. We are not talking about something like the stock market where I’d be willing to wait and see. We’re talking about a family and a marriage. And I feel that it is very irresponsible to take just a laid back attitude about it. Don’t most separated couples do a lot of work during their separations like go to counseling? I think his idea is crazy and even if I agreed with it, I don’t know how I would ever carry it out.”

What Is Ideal: I believe that the ideal is that couples roll up their sleeves and get down to work during their separation. And helping facilitate this with counseling can be incredibly helpful, can save you time, and can keep you from making mistakes.

However, it’s my experience that although wives who know that they want to save their marriages are more often more than willing to go to counseling, husbands who aren’t sure how they feel about their marriage (or their separation) usually are not willing to go – at least very enthusiastically.

What Is Realistic: While I think it’s great and best if you can BOTH work on your marriage TOGETHER during your separation, I also know that it isn’t always possible. Because the husband (or the spouse who initiated the separation) isn’t always willing to participate in this.

Does this mean that you shouldn’t or can’t work on things yourself? No, absolutely not. In fact, I encourage you to work on yourself and to consider changes you can make that relate to your marriage during the separation. And, there is no reason that you need to announce this to your spouse if you think he will object. You should have plenty of time on your hands to do this without him looking over your shoulder.

The Perception Versus The Reality: As far as the “wait and see” stance, often people will suggest this when they are trying to get you to back away a little bit or they are getting tired of the constant questions. They figure if they can get you to agree to “wait and see” then you will no longer demand answers or ask for information on his mind set or feelings. None of this means that he doesn’t love you or that he doesn’t think that you will reconcile.

So, if you think this is a bit selfish of him and you don’t agree, does this mean that you need to take a wait and see attitude when you really don’t want that? No, but I would suggest adjusting what you are doing.

My thinking on this evolved out of necessity. The thing is, if your husband is suggesting that you not hold on so tightly, he’s giving you very important information and he is potentially giving you a somewhat immediate request. I have seen wives ignore this request and then find themselves faced with a husband who is avoiding them.

So, it makes sense to pay attention and adjust accordingly. This might mean that you watch how many questions you ask. This might mean that you present yourself as a little more laid back, at least when you are with him.

Frankly, if this is what it takes for him to feel more comfortable when you’re together, then OK, you can do that. And he doesn’t have to know what you are thinking or hoping or feeling when you are alone. He doesn’t have to know that you are actively working on yourself and examining what might be going on with your marriage when you’re alone. If that is the price to pay for his cooperation, then so be it.

So while I don’t think that you have to agree to “wait and see” in your own heart, I don’t think there’s any harm in toning it down a little for his benefit. I would never tell you that “wait and see” means that you stop hoping, stop working, and stop growing. It just means that you’re applying less pressure so that you can still have access as you can continue making progress.

Although I did change my strategy toward my husband when I was trying to reconcile during our separation, I really didn’t change my own feelings, hopes, and internal thought process.  Sure, what I was doing LOOKED different but no one but me knew what I was hoping and planning all along. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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