Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: People who are estranged or separated from their spouse can be unsure if this is going to be a permanent situation or if they should attempt to reconcile and try to make things work. This can be a difficult decision because no one can see into the future. You have no way of knowing if your attempts at a reconciliation are actually going to work. That’s why sometimes the best that you can do is to try to evaluate the situation as accurately as you can and then follow your heart.

A wife might say: “my husband and I separated because we fight bitterly about the stupidest things. Mostly, we fight about our children from previous marriages. He tends to favor his own kids and he feels that I favor mine. There are all sorts of conflict all of the time. We also argue about money and how to spend both our time and our money as a family. We have been separated for about three weeks now. Last week, we had dinner together and out of the blue my husband told me that he missed me and wants to reconcile. I was sort of stunned by this. It isn’t like we’ve done much to solve our problems. I miss him too, but I’m not sure if we are going to make it. There just seems to be too much to sort out. I do love him. And I miss him too. Should I reconcile with him?”

I certainly couldn’t make this call. This decision had to come from the wife herself. However, I could give her some things to think about, which I will share below.

Are Your Problems Able To Be Worked Through For Good?:

One thing that can deteriorate and eventually destroy a marriage are the same problems coming up time and time again with no real resolution. Some couples will hang in there for a while, but eventually, people get tired of arguing over the same old problems that never seem to go away.

So it can help to ask yourself if these are problems that can be fixed, Plenty of couples are able to sort through their money and blended family issues. I am not saying that these issues are easy ones, but there was no infidelity or irresponsibility here. There were only differences of opinion. I felt that these things could probably be resolved with a little help, but again, the wife would need to decide this for herself.

Do You Feel As If You Would Have A Better Life Without Him? Can You Walk Away Knowing You Did All You Could?:

Often when people are at the point where it’s clear that reconciling isn’t a great idea, they know this all the way to their core. They reach a point where they strongly feel that their life is going to be improved by not reconciling. They feel peace in their heart at the thought of walking away, often because they know that they have tried everything that they could to successfully reconcile and still have failed. So, when it’s obvious to them that it’s time to move on, they can do that without any remorse. They can easily picture their spouse remarried years from now and feel no jealousy while still wishing them well.

None of these things seemed to be the case here. Of course, only the wife could evaluate this. But it can help to try to picture your life five years from now in both scenarios. If you are no longer with your spouse, would you be happier or more complete? What about if you reconciled? How happy would you be then? These answers will often give you some clues about where you go from here.

Do You Have A Plan In Place Should You Decide To Reconcile?:

Many separated couples miss their spouse and attempt to reconcile. But only some are successful. Wanting to reconcile and being able to successfully reconcile so that you are eventually happily married are two entirely different things.

To have the best chance of success, you will need to agree to a plan in order to keep you on track. Have you agreed to counseling? Or will you meet once per week to evaluate your progress? Have you learned to negotiate your problems in new, and more healthy ways?

This wife confided in me that she had the same types of problems with her first husband. She was very upset that things weren’t different this time around because she truly loved this man. The thing is, unless you learn how to successfully navigate or successfully change that issue, you are unfortunately likely to get the same results. That’s why it’s very important that you not rely on good intentions alone.

Missing your husband and wanting to reconcile are both very good signs. It proves that the desire is there. But if you don’t have the tools, then the desire isn’t always enough. So to answer the question posed, if your heart is telling you that you want to reconcile, it’s best to make sure that you have a sound plan in place that you are both enthusiastic about until you proceed.

Believe me when I say that if my own husband had wanted to reconcile, I would not have hesitated.  I was the spouse who wanted to reconcile while my husband was hesitant to do so because he knew that we never had any decent plan in place.  I had to educate myself about how we could get out of the same old patterns once and for all.  It wasn’t an easy process, but it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read our reconciliation story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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