Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: After you have been separated for a little while, it often becomes clear that your conversations, behaviors, and attitudes can have a huge impact on what happens with your spouse. And sometimes, you can see the outcome of these things almost immediately. After a while, this can cause you to think before you act – especially if sometimes the things you do or say seem to make things worse. This process of editing yourself can often keep you on the good side of your spouse, but it can also sometimes make you second guess yourself a little – especially when it comes to the subject of calling and other forms of communication.

A wife might be missing her separated husband desperately and she may feel that calling him might alleviate some of her pain. So she reaches for the phone. But before she can make that call, she stops herself. Because she worries that it may anger or annoy her husband. And she worries that it might just be too much.

She might explain: “it’s pretty sad that I almost feel as if I can’t call my own husband. We have been separated for about three and a half weeks. My husband wanted some time to think about things. At first, I called him several times per day, but he eventually told me that it was too much. He said that he understood my need to call, but that he felt as if I were trying to keep tabs on him by calling so much. So I have toned it down and I’ve been limiting my calls to once or twice per day. And I’ve already had my two calls for the day, but now as I’m getting ready for bed, I find myself missing him very much. I considered just quickly calling him to tell him, but I am scared he’ll start to think I’m doing too much again. Should I call him? I think that it’s pitiful that I can’t just pick up the phone if I feel like it.”

I know this feeling. And I agree that it can be a little depressing. But always being mindful of not making things worse is very important while you are separated. I understand that sometimes you just need to hear his voice. But it’s important to strike a balance. Because I know first hand that sometimes when you do too much for too long, your husband can start to avoid you or refuse to take your calls. When this happens, it is hard to gain the ground that you have lost.

Knowing How To Read The Situation: Of course, you have to kind of feel your way. Sometimes, it will be obvious that things are going well between you. So, it’s pretty obvious that if you call, then that call is going to be well received. And sometimes, it obvious that things aren’t so great and a cool down period is needed. At least this was the case in my own separation. There were up periods and down periods and I had to learn to read them. Because almost always, the best things to do during a down period when my husband wasn’t very receptive to me was to back away. But during up periods, I could push a little harder because this was the time when I was able to make a little progress.

You have to be careful and you have to watch very closely so that if you misread something or see a hesitation on the part of your husband, then you can immediately adjust. Only you would know where you are in your separation and you would be the best person to speculate as to how your call might be received.

Letting Him Take The Lead At Times And Distracting Yourself If You Need To: My rule of thumb was to try to let my husband call me sometimes. And then if I felt an overwhelming need to call, I’d ask myself if it was going to make tomorrow better or worse. When I didn’t have an answer or when the need to call was just too great, I’d first try to distract myself or to journal to buy time before I acted. This usually worked and I would find that the need would diminish.

The few times that it didn’t, I would text instead of call. A text can be answered at the other’s persons convenience and it’s not as much of an interruption. That way, if your husband doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t have to. And if he’s busy, you haven’t really interrupted him too badly.

Sometimes, when I’d text, he would then call me and I would be able to talk to him with much less risk. Other times, it would be clear that he didn’t want to communicate and I would back off and then try to let him call me the next time. As you can likely tell, it takes some finesse and some constant evaluation.

I suppose the short answer is that if it were me, I’d probably feel safe in calling if I absolutely knew (from previous behavior) that my call would be well received. If I had doubts or if I knew that my actions were only coming because I felt lonely and vulnerable, then I would try very hard not to act out of these feelings and I’d try hard to distract myself. If this didn’t work, I’d settle on a text and then go from there.

I know that it feels so foreign to have to think before you call.  But it’s better to hesitate than to call, have it go badly, and then regret it.  At least that was the case with me.  I learned that it was better to err on the side of doing too little than doing too much.   You can read more about my struggles on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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