Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Whether to let your unhappy husband go is very much a frequently asked question. I find that honestly, the real, underlying questions being asked are actually quite different. Most wives who ask don’t want to let their husbands go. So what they are really asking are questions like: “Can one person save a marriage?” or “Is there any reality where I can change my husband’s mind and save the marriage?” These wives want to know if there is any foreseeable path to turn things around. I believe that the answer to all of these questions is yes. I’ve done this in my own life and in my own marriage. It was not easy, but it certainly was not impossible either. 

However, I concede that every situation is different. The feasibility of flipping the script depends on the reasons the husband wants out, how long the marriage has been struggling, and how willing both parties are to eventually come to the table. That said, it’s entirely possible to make progress when you’re the only one trying, especially at first. But you’ll need some deliberate patience and the ability to accept a series of baby steps that eventually mean large gains. You’ll also need to gradually address the problems that landed you here in the first place. But I usually suggest waiting on this until your marriage is more stable again. 

Getting A Firm Grip On Why Husbands “Want Out”:   It’s very common to hear wives voice their frustration about their husbands’ vague reasons for wanting out. Sometimes, it’s not the huge, obvious reasons like infidelity, an overwhelming fight, or an insurmountable crisis that is burying your marriage. Instead, your husband is giving you wishy-washy reasons like “not being happy,” or “falling out of love.”

Even worse, he’ll often send hurtful mixed signals, like holding you one minute and completely shutting you out the next. So, it can be a challenge to get an accurate read on this evolving situation. 

From my own experience and from dealing with others who’ve dealt with this, I’ve come to believe that husbands typically want out because, for whatever reason, their feelings change. And as their feelings evolve, their level of commitment begins to lessen as a result. Once the commitment, begins to slide, you’re dealing with a different (and more difficult) battle. So it’s important to address issues as quickly as you can. 

Understanding How Maturation Can Change A Husband’s Perceptions: I also want to add that these changing feelings are not necessarily your fault, but are instead a reflection of the maturation of your relationship. Remember when you were first falling in love? You probably played very close attention to one another, and this hyper-focus reinforced your very positive feelings. Both of you felt attractive, intelligent, interesting, and worthy. And you returned those feelings right back into the relationship so that you had a positive cycle continuously going. 

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, we all have to redistribute our energies, time, and attention because of increased responsibilities. Now we have jobs, children, aging parents, AND our marriage. There is only so much attention that one person can give. Although it’s natural to make the mistake of assuming that our husband knows how much we love him and knows that we’d give more time and attention if we could, he may not always think quite this way.

He may well know that our intentions are admirable and pure. But he may still wish the situation was very different. And he may harbor some resentment as a result. Deep down, many husbands still need very regular validation, love, and appreciation. When they don’t see this happening at the time (even for legitimate reasons,) they can be bitterly disappointed. Very often, his “wanting out” is his losing hope that you’ll be able to generate the feelings he used to have about himself, about you, and about the marriage. Your job is to show (and not tell) him that these feelings CAN come back. 

Returning At Least Some Of The Feelings Can Often Help You Save Your Marriage:   The obvious play is to attempt to return the original feelings, like when you were dating. I know that this is a tall order. And it is unrealistic to think that you can completely turn back the clock. But with a good deal of effort, you can often make significant strides. However, you want to be careful that you don’t swing so high for the fences that your husband thinks you are playing insincere games. You want to portray yourself as absolutely sincere and genuine. Show him the loving, intriguing, interested woman he first met – even if she’s a bit busier today. Because she was (and likely still is) you.

I know that this is all ambitious when your heart is broken, and you feel rejected. I know that you might feel as if you’re giving more than you get. But don’t give in to fear and desperation. Always turn toward positivity. I have found that this rarely lets me down (and it ultimately made the difference in my reconciliation.)  I realize that what I’m asking takes discipline and hard work. But you have to play the long game to return the original feelings in a way that will feel genuine and authentic (because it is.) 

So When Do You Get To The Point Where You Should Let Him Go?: I am biased. And I’m always going to gravitate toward trying to salvage a marriage and a family, but I feel that it’s rarely too late as long as you are willing and patient. That said, if your marriage is very damaged or your husband is very reluctant, then you’ll likely have to move quite gradually. 

Don’t Misinterpret His Negativity For Impossibility: Many people have their doubts about these methods, and I understand the hesitation. No one wants to get their hopes up, only to have them dashed. People often tell me, “It’s like he hates me. He won’t even listen to me because of his anger at me.” I get why this seems daunting, but sometimes, strong feelings are actually good news. If your husband had zero skin still left in the marital game, he wouldn’t have any reaction at all. Not anger. Not hate. Not frustration. Yes, you are seeing negative emotions. But at least you are seeing something. Indifference is far worse of a sign.  

You’re not yet seeing that. And you are still invested. These are good indications that you are not yet ready to let him go. But of course, the choice has to be yours. 

My husband said he hated me a couple of times when he wanted out of our marriage. Thank goodness I didn’t let that stop me. I kept right on working on the marriage (by myself, since he wasn’t interested at first.) Eventually, I was able to finally save the marriage. So, it was very much worth the effort. You can read about how I pretty much refused to let go on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/