Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many folks are very disappointed with the way that their spouse is treating them while they are on a trial or marital separation.  Often, they can’t help but notice that their spouse is no longer acting like a married individual. Or, it becomes increasingly clear that the couple no longer appears to be happily married.

You might hear: “my husband has been complaining about being unhappy in our marriage for the last four months.  Because he kept harping on this with no end in sight, I finally gave in and agreed to a separation.  He presented it to me as if it was going to be a temporary thing that would only give him some time to himself. He promised that we would still do things as a family because this is important to our boys.  I took some comfort in that.  But unfortunately, his promises have not become the reality.  We are still married, but he is not acting like my husband.  We have always sat together when our children play sports.  In fact, we have our special place on the top bleacher.  If my husband arrives before me, he always saves me a seat.  He always puts his hand on my back as we’re walking out of the door.  He has always opened the door for me.  Well, now that we are separated he no longer does these things.  The other day, my son had a basketball game and my husband not only didn’t save me a seat but when I sat beside him he excused himself for the concession stand.  Not only did he not get me something like he normally would, but he came back and sat with one of our neighbors.  Then when my son begged him to go out to dinner afterward, he did but he didn’t open the door for me or touch me in any way.  I’m shocked and very upset.  When I talked about this to my friend, she said that I might be overreacting because I can’t expect him to act exactly the same when we are separated.  I don’t understand this.  He is still my husband so he should act like my husband, shouldn’t he?  Who is right?”

I guess the answer to this question would depend upon who was giving the answer.  Sometimes, the spouse who wanted the separation feels that in order to have his “space,” he should be excused from spouse like duties or from acting exactly as he has in the past.  With that said, as a wife who has gone through this, I agree with the wife.  I believe that when you are still married, you should treat your spouse in a certain way, even if you are having problems and even if you are separated.  I believe that there’s a very clear distinction between a separation and a divorce and that the intention should be very different.

With that said, in this particular scenario, it didn’t matter what I thought.  It mattered how the husband acted and how this affected the wife and the marriage.  It was possible that he was acting as he was in order to keep some distance and to maintain his space.  This is very common.  Often, separated spouses want to maintain their distance but they will take it way too far.  And the only way for them to know that they have hurt you by crossing the line is for you to bring their attention to this.

But, know that you have to be very careful to do this in the right way.  You don’t want to be so assertive that he feels defensive and distances himself from you even more. Because if this happens, it will be difficult for you to have the access that you’re going to need to improve and then save your marriage.

How to Broach This Topic In A Way That Pulls Him Closer Instead Of Pushes Him Away:  Always remember that your main goal is to maintain a good relationship so that you can eventually get him home.  If you become angry and confrontational, you make this much less likely.  So I believe it’s important to try to handle this in a light-hearted and playful way.  The next time he chooses not to sit next to his family, the wife might say “hey, what are you doing over there in no man’s land?  Our son wants to look up and see his whole family together.  Why don’t both you and the neighbor come over here and sit with us?”  If he declines, just let it go.  You don’t want to introduce more conflict.

Alternatively, you might say something like: “I couldn’t help but notice that you were a little distant at the game.  I know that this separation is sort of uncharted territory, but I hope that we can maintain our closeness as a family.  When you don’t sit next to us, that hurts.  I don’t expect for you to act as if you’re madly in love with me because I know that we’re trying to work through some issues right now.  But when I feel you pulling away from us like this, I worry about our family.  Above all else, I want to maintain a good relationship with you.  Can we work together and talk about what we both need right now to be comfortable?”

Hopefully, this will open up a dialog where the husband will see that you aren’t trying to demand certain behaviors from him.  You’re just asking for the courtesies that all husbands give to their wives, regardless of the fact that you’re working on your marriage right now.

I know how scary it feels when you feel your husband pulling away from you, especially during a separation.  Be careful that you don’t panic and cling too tightly because this can make things works.  Unfortunately, I know this from experience.  But I did eventually learn new skills in order to save my marriage.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin