Should I End The Separation And Give My Spouse One Last Chance?
By: Leslie Cane: Most of the people that I hear from are those looking for a way to convince their spouse to either end the separation or to not separate in the first place. However, occasionally, I hear from the spouse who initiated the separation, but who is now having second thoughts. Much of the time, they’d very much like to allow their spouse to come back home and put an end to being apart, but they afraid that this isn’t the right decision or that nothing is going to change. At the same time, they often have their spouse pleading for “just one more chance.”
A wife might say: “I didn’t really want to separate from my husband, but I felt like I had a to draw a line in the sand in order to get his attention. Even though we have been married for a while, he’s acting very immature still. I have always known he was like this. For him, life is all about having fun. But I had hoped that he would mature once I married him – as most people do. Well, he hasn’t. He is still going out with his drinking buddies all of the time and being unemployed off and on because he doesn’t want a grown-up job. I finally told him that I want a partner and an equal – not a child to take care of. He admitted that I was right and said that he would change but he didn’t. Finally, I told him I wanted to separate. This was mostly meant to scare him. I hoped that he would be inspired to change out of fear. But as I’ve been by myself because of this separation, I realize that I feel a little relief. The house is always clean because he’s not here to mess it up. I come home to peace and quiet. I don’t have his immature friends coming and going as they please. I only have to worry about myself. I admit that I often miss him. Sometimes when I’m watching a movie that I know he would enjoy, I wish that he was here. The other day, we talked on the phone and he told me that he hasn’t been out with his friends in three weeks. He also said he had a second job interview at a really good company. I had some skepticism about this, but I hoped that what he was saying was true. Then I saw his mom at the grocery store and she told me that he was changing. I didn’t tell her that I had already talked to him and she basically told me about the new job possibility. Then she ended the conversation by saying: ‘you should give him another chance. He’s a good man at heart and he loves you. It’s silly to throw away your marriage because of his job prospects and friends.’ Now I’m starting to think about her words and realize that maybe she’s right. I do miss him. I do still love him. But I don’t want to go back to the way things were. Should I give him one more chance and end the separation?”
I always advocate saving your marriage if you can – as long as the relationship can be healthy. However, I don’t see anything wrong with doing it in a gradual way to ensure that it sticks. What I mean by this is that nothing says that you have to take him back tomorrow if you are not sure of the change. What is wrong with continuing to watch and wait for just a little while longer? What is wrong with starting to see each other regularly and eventually moving on to maybe him spending some weekends with you so that you are gradually easing back into a reconciliation?
This would put less stress on the situation and it would allow you to watch him and see for yourself if he has really changed. Assuming that things continue to go well, this would allow you the confidence to know that the odds are good since he is sincere.
Also, I often tell people it’s better to end the separation when you know that you have a system in place to manage your issues. In other words, it doesn’t make sense to reconcile when you haven’t learned how to manage conflict better or when the core issues haven’t been worked out.
If you and your husband haven’t yet sat down and come up with your short term and long term goals, I’d encourage that. Because then you have something concrete to work toward and your husband knows exactly what you’re expecting so that there are no misunderstandings.
Ultimately, I love to see marriages get a second chance and it makes me happy when separations come to an end. But I also want to know that things are going to work for the long term. To give this the best chance, I’d suggest doing this gradually and learning some new negotiation skills as a couple during this process. These things will ensure that your reconciliation is successful and that you don’t go back to the same life which just wasn’t working for you anyway.
It’s normal to have doubts when you consider reconciling. There’s so much at stake. You don’t want to fail. That’s why I think it’s best to ease into it. My husband and I did it gradually and it worked for us. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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