Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel as if they are walking on egg shells during their marital or trial separation.  They feel as if they can not be themselves.  Because when they listen to their gut and reach out to their husband, they are either rejected or they get the distinct impression that this was the wrong thing to do.

They may be discouraged about this, but eventually, they may try again – only to have the very same thing happen.  They can begin to feel as if they can not do anything right and that perhaps they should do the opposite of what their gut is telling them to do.

Someone might say: “things have not gone well during my separation.  At every turn, I am doing the wrong thing.  I am a very warm person and I like to take care of my husband.  Last weekend, I made him his favorite meal and took it over to his place.  I had no intention to stay.  I was just going to drop it off and go.  I wanted him to just see it as a thoughtful gesture to let him know that I care.  But when I got there to drop it off, he was very cold to me. I called him on the phone later and he did not sound at all happy to hear from me.  When I asked what was wrong, he sarcastically asked me if I know what ‘a break’ meant.  Later, I heard from mutual friends that my husband got an assignment that he has been coveting for work.  I called him to congratulate him and he seemed annoyed that I did not wait for him to call me and let me know himself.  Finally, yesterday, I got a recall letter about his car in the mail and I was worried and wanted him to service the car immediately.  So I took the letter over so that he would have it for the dealer.  He didn’t seem happy about this either.  I was talking to one of my friends about this and she said that I am going to have to train myself do the opposite of what I’m thinking since everything that I do is wrong.  Is this true?  Does that mean that every time I want or need to reach out to my husband, I am to do the opposite?”

I am not sure that you need to think in such dire terms.  Because there are times when you legitimately need to reach out to your husband and you can’t limit yourself so severely that this isn’t available to you.   There’s no need to take it so far that you feel that you can no longer trust your own judgement or have free will.

At the same time, I understand feeling as if your own actions are working against you.  This happened to me also.  And I did have to back off during my own separation because my clinginess had my husband avoiding me.

I eventually realized that we would never reconcile if we could not interact in a positive way.  And if I had stayed on the path that I was on – where I was calling or trying to reach out more than once per day (even when my husband made it clear that he wasn’t receptive) – I do believe that I may not still be married today.

I did have to decide to let my husband reach out to me sometimes.  I did have to stop myself from repeatedly texting and dropping by.  I did have to limit the calls so that he could have that space which he wanted so badly.  And I can tell you that it was not easy.  I was in a panic that as soon as I backed off, he would almost forget about me and move further away.  Reaching out to him gave me a sense of control, at least somewhat.  And I was so afraid of losing this and feeling completely out of control.

But what I discovered was that when I did give the space, my husband responded very favorably.  When I focused on myself and on other things in my life, my husband saw that I had some self respect and this encouraged him to respect me in kind.

After a while, he was about twice as much receptive to me and it was eventually him who was calling and reaching out to me.  Sometimes, you just have to let the time work for you instead of against you.  And I realize that this is extremely scary.  But what other choice do you have when you are getting a very negative reaction?

So no, I don’t think that you have to give yourself the very drastic directive that you’re going to do the opposite of what your gut is telling you to do.  You don’t want to just shut down your intuition.  But I do think that you want to pause and ask yourself if what you’re about to do is really necessary.  You want to remind yourself of his need for space.  And you want to ask yourself when was the last time he reached out to you and whether or not it is his turn.

Sometimes, you have to loosen your grip to actually gain any ground. I learned this the hard way.  I annoyed and badgered my own separated husband so much that I almost ruined any chance of a reconciliation.  There’s more about this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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