Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives greatly fear doing something wrong during their marital or trial separation. After all, if the separation doesn’t work, or if it makes things worse, can a divorce be far behind? The optimal amount of contact (and how to make it) is one of the most common issues that wives worry about. They worry that they’ll make too little contact, too much contact, or that their approach will cause more conflict.

Unfortunately, there is no one definitive answer, but there are some guidelines that you can apply to nearly every situation, even tricky ones, like this one. A wife might say, “I have no idea how often I should be contacting my husband during our separation. He won’t sit down and talk about how things should work between us. It appears that he wants to be rid of me as soon as possible. He left a couple of days ago, and he doesn’t pick up when I call him. I know from mutual friends that he is fine. Things aren’t great between us, but they’re not so horrible that we can’t speak. I want to eventually reconcile, and I do not know how that is going to be possible if he won’t even talk to me. I have read about ‘no contact,’ but I know myself well enough to be sure that this just isn’t going to work for me. Still, clearly, I won’t be able to contact or communicate with my husband as much as I’d like to. How often should you contact your separated husband? What is optimal?”

I do not think that there is an agreed-upon number or a guide somewhere that contains the perfect answer. However, I have a definite answer based on my own separation and the fact that I eventually found a strategy that allowed us to reconcile.

I believe that you should contact and communicate with your husband as often as he will allow AND still be somewhat receptive. And yes, this is a juggling act that is going to require you to be very observant about your husband’s behavior and reactions, and then adjust as you need to.

Why The Right Type Of Communication Is Important: This wife was right in her suspicion that it would be challenging to reconcile without regular communication. While ‘no contact’ at strategic times can sometimes be effective, limited or no contact throughout your separation will usually cause you to drift further apart.

When you’re not communicating enough, you begin to worry that your husband has met someone else. Or you’ll begin to suspect that he’s up to unsavory behavior and doesn’t want to talk because he might be found out. As you can imagine, this just encourages further distrust at a time when your marriage can’t afford more negativity. So, you’ll want to use the appropriate communication at the right time instead.

Tips To May Make Communication Easier And Mistakes Easier To Identify: I know that when the separation is fresh, you want to communicate as much as possible. You want reassurance that your spouse is okay, that he misses you, and that perhaps the reconciliation will happen sooner rather than later. Ideally, he will feel the same way. Unfortunately, though, this isn’t always the case for everyone. This is especially true if you are dealing with a husband who wants space or who is trying to see how he’ll feel when he has some time away from you. Husbands in this category will typically see excessive attempts at communication as you not respecting his request for a little distance.

To get around this, you can keep your communication light and casual. If you have to, resort to texting initially. Sometimes a text that just says, “making sure all is okay,” is preferable to continuing to call when he’s clearly not picking up.

I know that this slow pace can be frustrating, but you can always add to it as you are able. Believe me, it is easier to add than to try to play catch up when you push too hard so your husband is blatantly avoiding ALL attempts at contact.

That said, don’t allow this process to allow you to become so frightened that you fall out of all contact.

Become very good at reading your husband’s cues. If he is receptive and enjoys talking to you, then you can keep right on doing what you’ve been doing. But if he’s abrupt, makes excuses, or wants to end the communication quickly, then you may need to regroup and take a step backward – just for a little while.

Questions To Ask Yourself As You’re Trying To Establish Contact With Your Separated Spouse: As you can probably already see, you have to become skilled at reading between the lines of your husband’s reactions and receptiveness.

Learn to read his cues so that you know when to end the conversation so that he will look forward to communication the next time. Ask yourself if the previous conversation made things better or worse. When it’s consistently getting worse, it’s time to try something new. If it’s getting better, keep with the same strategy until you see new cues that make you consider moving forward.

I always found it useful to let my husband come to me or to take the lead when he would. However, early on, he was not receptive at all. So I had to learn to accept small wins and a more gradual pace. And I had to take the initiative (as he allowed.)

The last thing you want to do is to panic when he’s not receptive and then begin trying to communicate even more or to demand that he pay attention to you. I learned the hard way that not only will he shut down, but he’ll make it even harder for you to communicate with him through avoidance.

Even worse, he’ll begin to look at you as something he must escape. You need for him to look at you as something he wants to move toward, not away from.

I hope this article saves you some time and heartache. I wish someone had talked to me so plainly during my own separation. I believe that you should communicate as often and as positively as your spouse will allow. However, if he is not receptive, you’ll have to learn to work with what you have. But you should not fall out of contact completely. You’ll need regular and improving communication to eventually reconcile. But you can get to that place gradually if you have to.

If it helps, I’ve written about the details of our reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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