Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Unfortunately, many spouses facing a crossroads in their marriage also face a spouse whose feelings are not conducive to improving things. The ideal situation is two spouses who are still crazy about one another but who are struggling with some workable issues. Unfortunately, this situation is somewhat rare. Instead, you commonly see at least one spouse who believes that his feelings have changed. Often, he doesn’t try to hide this. In some cases, he’s even aggressive about it – almost daring his spouse to confront him.

A wife in this situation might say, “for the last several months, my husband has avoided me and ignored me as much as possible. However, when he is forced to interact with me, his face gives him away. He looks at me as though I’m distasteful. Like he smells something that stinks. When he looks at me, his face crinkles up and his nose lifts. It is definitely not a look of endearment. It is a look that tells me that he wishes he were anywhere else than with me. On top of this, he has zero patience with me. No matter what we’re doing, my part in it is wrong. I can do nothing right in his eyes. He never ever compliments me or acts proud of me. Instead, he has become ashamed of me. It wasn’t always this way, but his new attitude toward me has definitely become the norm. I don’t quite understand it. I certainly don’t look the same as when we were married, but I’m not even close to ugly. I am well-groomed, fit, and I dress carefully. I’m also accomplished and far from stupid, even though he treats me that way lately. He hasn’t asked to separate or move out. But he’s clearly distancing himself from me and from our marriage. I want to be clear. I still love him. But I almost feel as I need to preempt what I am sure is coming – his wanting to pause or end our marriage. Should I try to stay with a husband who treats me with contempt and appears to find me distasteful? I do want to stay, but living this way makes me doubt myself and does terrible things for my self-esteem.

You Can Stay Without Accepting The Current Situation As A Permanent Solution: Anyone could sympathize with this wife because she’s in a catch 22 situation. I can tell you that being separated and living alone does not do wonders for your well-being and self-esteem. I lived that, and it was honestly one of the lowest periods of my life. At the same time, it can’t be any fun living with someone who not only never shows you any positive emotion, but who comes closer to showing you disdain.

My opinion is that it would be easier for you to stay if you are still invested in your marriage but want to save it. Because it can be challenging to reconcile once you no longer live under the same roof. (It’s not impossible. I did it under those circumstances, but I’d still recommend avoiding it.) That said, I’d also advocate doing everything in your power to improve your marriage, which should, in turn, improve your husband’s treatment of you. It’s easy to doubt this, but I found it 100% true in my own case and in many others that I have observed over the years.

Why The Health Of Your Marriage Impacts His “Distaste” Or You And The Marriage: It’s nearly impossible to miss your husband’s changing perceptions of you. Most husbands do not attempt to hide their changing feelings. Some of them don’t even deny it when you bring it up or draw their attention to it. But what they often won’t do is explain why they’re exhibiting this behavior. They won’t give you a straight answer when you ask. Sometimes, they don’t know the answer themselves.

They only know that their feelings and perceptions have changed. As a result, their behavior changes. He probably doesn’t know why he’s doing it. But the answer is almost always that something has changed to make him feel that he’s no longer getting what he used to be his for the taking.

I know that sounds awful. But try to think about it rationally. This wife freely admitted that her husband didn’t always treat her this way. Most husbands are at their sweetest and most attentive early in the relationship. It’s easy to figure out why. Things are exciting and new. Resentments haven’t yet built up. Your focus is almost entirely on one another.

As the years pass, your attention must turn to other things. And partners often take one another for granted, or even turn to other support systems. As a result, intimacy wanes. Some spouses take this in stride and find other ways to be close. And other spouses resent the hell out of this, become passive-aggressive, or express open “disdain” for their spouses. That may be what is happening here. (I’m assuming that there is no infidelity or other serious issues with the husband that the wife doesn’t know about (because that would be something else entirely.))

Try To Address And Find The Soft Spots: What I have written above might ring completely true for you. Or, it may not. You know your marriage better than anyone else. If you are really and painfully honest with yourself, you likely know your biggest soft or vulnerable spots. You likely have a pretty good idea about what your husband’s biggest source of resentment is.

Your best course of action is to not only address but to try to remove that soft or vulnerable spot.

You’ll have to figure out the best time to do it. Because it may not be possible immediately. If your spouse is still somewhat receptive to you, then there’s no time like now. But if your spouse has developed a hard shell, you’ll need to move gradually.

You’ll need to find easy ways that you can build a rapport. You may have to start very slowly. You may have to settle for pleasantly talking about things that don’t even matter (at first.) This is okay. You’re trying to move from disdain to a more pleasant existence.  Try to make it pleasant and fun.  You deserve to have fun sometimes too.

When you get to the point where he’s more open to you, then you can begin to address those soft spots. Sometimes, just giving more attention to them can fix them, and other times, you’ll need to have some really honest conversations.

I know that this might sound like a daunting road, and I admit that it’s often a gradual process. But I can tell you that when your spouse suddenly drops his resentment and coldness, you will notice a very fast and dramatic change in his behavior.

His disdain can turn into affection very quickly as soon as he feels heard, seen, and loved. And when you’re no longer dealing with his coldness, then you will also feel loved. It’s really a win for both spouses and it may be less difficult than you think.

If you want to read about how I gradually went from my husband completely avoiding me to him willingly wanting to reconcile, that can be read at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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