Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how to draw their husband closer during their trial separation. There are times when things seem to be going well. And, there are times when she isn’t sure what her husband is feeling. That is why she sometimes hesitates when it comes to asking him to go out with her in a romantic way, even if he is still her husband. After all, every one knows that things can be very touch and go when you are separated. And, no one wants to make things worse or to feel rejected.

To that end, I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. He is the one who moved out because he is the one who wasn’t happy. I have always been happy with my husband and with my marriage. I love him. I never stopped. Sometimes, I think that he doesn’t love me anymore. But then just when I am about to think about giving up, he will do something that is incredibly sweet or he will call me or come by without being asked. And, when this happens, I think that maybe there is a chance for us. But I get so tired of being patient. I even thought about asking my husband out on a date to speed things along. I haven’t done this because I am afraid that he will say no and I’m afraid that he would then begin to pull away from me once again. Should I ask him on a date? Or is it better to wait?”

Why Lessening The Risk Is Always A Good Call: I can tell you my opinion on this based on my own experience and based on things that I hear on my blog. I believe that it is always optimal to wait for your spouse to make that sort of move. I realize that this isn’t always going to be possible. But it is definitely optimal because it lessens the risk. If you ask your husband out before he is ready or willing to go, not only might he not say yes, but he may pull back because he doesn’t want to have an awkward encounter like this again and he doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea until he is sure where things are going from here.

Don’t Stop Moving Forward: With that said, I think it’s vital to continue on with any improvements that you are seeing. Waiting to get more information from him doesn’t mean that you need to give up on this idea completely. Instead, you can keep making progress and you can continue to build on the progress that you have already seen. Nothing says that you can’t continue to call and see one another. And, if things are going well, you can always spontaneously ask to extend the contact without making it sound like a request for a date that might be taken the wrong way or be rejected.

For example, if you and your husband are out and about and things are going well between you, there’s nothing at all with spontaneously asking him if he wants to grab a cup of coffee. This isn’t really a date. And this allows for you to keep things lighthearted whether he says yes or no. That’s why just trying to extend what you are already doing is such a safe strategy. You can build as your spouse allows you, but if your spouse says no, the risk is much less that he will retreat.

Don’t Make Things Too Heavy: It’s so important to always make things seem light and spontaneous. Try not to take it personally if he can’t grab that cup of coffee. But if he can and does, then keep things fun. Make these outings more routine as the situation allows. That way, the next obvious step would be to meet one another in a date like setting. Now, you don’t necessarily want to call this a date. Because by doing so, you put too much pressure on the situation. The last thing that you want is to create awkwardness between the two of you. And that is my main concern with calling anything a date when you aren’t absolutely sure how it is going to be received. That’s why it’s so optimal to allow him to be the one to call it a date. That way, you don’t have to worry about rejection or about him taking things in the wrong way.

But to answer the original question, in my own experience, there can be a risk of asking him out on a date if you have any doubts about how he is going to respond. Sometimes, it’s relatively obvious that the two of you are still see each other romantically and it doesn’t matter if you call your outings a date or not. But other times, (as in this situation) your future is still very much up in the air. And the balance between you can feel very delicate. If this is the case, it’s my experience that you’re better off building on what you are already doing, keeping things lighthearted and not really labeling your outings unless your husband is the one who does this.

When my husband and I were separated, it was mistake for me to pressure him to go out with me, especially in the beginning.  So I learned to be careful about this and I learned to make it feel like he was taking the lead, even if, in a way, I was pulling the strings. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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