Should I Ask My Spouse How He Feels About Me During Our Trial Separation?
By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of correspondence from wives who aren’t sure which topics of conversation are appropriate during their trial separation. Often, they’d very much like to gauge how he is feeling and thinking but they are afraid of asking for too much information too soon. Sometimes, when he acts in a certain way that shows promise, the wife would like to ask him if his feelings toward her and the marriage are improving or changing, but again, she might be afraid of the answer.
To explain, I might get a comment like: “my husband initiated a separation because he wasn’t sure about me or our marriage anymore. He assured me that he loved me but wasn’t sure if he was in love with me in the way that he used to be. He just wanted some time apart to see if this would help him obtain any clarity. I will admit that I haven’t been able to see him as much as I might like during the separation. He always seems to have other things to do. Or perhaps he wants time alone at any cost. Sometimes though, he will call and ask me to dinner or he just wants to talk on the phone. Nearly every time this happens, things go very well between us. He often touches me casually or puts his arms around me. The other night, he even kissed me. Every time these things happen, I get hopeful. I know that I shouldn’t but I can’t seem to help myself. It seems as if my husband is responding to me with real emotions and feelings. I want so badly to ask him how he feels about me now to see if I am off base. But I hesitate out of fear. One of my friends told me that I wouldn’t know if I didn’t ask. She doesn’t see the harm in asking him. She says that he is my husband and she doesn’t understand why I’m scared to ask my own husband a question. But in my mind, this is a big question. I’m afraid of what his response might be and I’m also afraid that he will feel as if I am pressuring him and then he will pull away. Who is right here? Should I ask my husband how he feels about me during the separation?”
Why This Situation Takes Care: I agree with this wife that this can be a delicate situation. I am sure that the friend meant well. But only people who have truly been in this situation know that it can be a delicate decision. You can feel as if you’ve waited a long time to see some positive signs and so you don’t want to put this in jeopardy by making a wrong move or by pushing too far. From my own experience, I believe that if you have to ask him how he feels about you, then it’s probably too soon to ask that question.
What Is Ideal: I know that it is hard to have this kind of patience, but I believe that the best situation that you can possibly hope for is to wait for him to tell you how he feels. I know that this is asking for you to endure a lot of guessing and uncertainty. I know first hand that this isn’t easy. But think for a second about which is worse. Is it worse to finally see some progress and then speak too soon only to have him back away, without knowing if he will ever reach out again? Or, is it worst to deal with a little uncertainty and to have a little more patience?
The Bright Side: Try to look at it this way. Yes, it’s no fun to be uncertain. But, things are starting to look up for you. Many wives don’t even have nice conversations or dates to think about. They only have a husband who is ignoring their calls. So you do have a lot going for you. If you play this correctly, you can build on this. You can continue on with the regular meetings and hope that each one is better than the last. Once this happens, you just continue on while being upbeat and hopeful. Because frankly, in time it will usually become quite obvious how he feels about you or he will start telling you. The point is, if you just wait, not only do you not jeopardize the positive things that are happening, but you will likely get an answer soon enough.
Having patience was one of the biggest challenges that I had during my own separation. I saw positive signs and I wanted to seize them. But almost every time I did, I saw my husband pull back. I finally decided it was better to let him set the pace than to jeopardize the progress I’d worked so hard for. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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