Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated, communication with your spouse can be very confusing. After all, when you lived together and your marriage was on track, you likely never had to think about when or how you’d communicate. If your husband was in the room and you needed or wanted to talk to him, you’d simply start a conversation. If you weren’t physically together and you had something that you needed to say, you would text or call him, depending on what was most appropriate at the time.

But when you are separated, things are not nearly as easy as all of this. Many people have had awkward, strained, or thwarted conversations during their separation. In fact, when to talk, whether to talk, or what to say is one of the most confusing topics you may encounter during your separation. Add in the fear or rejection, and it’s very normal to be afraid of messing everything up. It can leave you wondering whether you should attempt (or be receptive to) communication at all.

Here’s a typical situation. A wife might say: “when my husband and I first separated, I honestly assumed that we would check in with one another every day. Frankly, when I picked up the phone to call him, I had no hesitation. Looking back, I should have hesitated quite a bit because he clearly was not happy to hear from me. Things got so bad that sometimes he would not pick up at all. And then he started ignoring my texts. I am a stubborn person though, so I kept trying. This really saddened me because I felt so vulnerable and rejected, having to be the one who always called. So I stopped calling and reaching out. It hurt me to do this. But it hurt less than trying to communicate and continuously being rejected. This went on for about six weeks. And then suddenly last weekend, my husband started calling. I was not home the first time it happened and he left a message saying that it has been a long time since he’s heard my voice and he wants to see how I am. I figured that maybe he was just feeling guilty, so I let it go. But he called again and he’s been calling sporadically ever since. So far, I have let the calls go to voice mail and the texts go unanswered. I know it’s petty, but I feel he deserves it. Some friends of mine say that I am taking it too far. Are they right? Should I answer when he calls? Or will ignoring him make him want to talk to me even more?”

I completely understand how you are feeling. I felt the same way. I became so frustrated with being the only one who cared about our separation that I eventually just checked out for a while.  Afterward, husband eventually got with the program and then I had a choice to make.

Things To Consider: Here is a consideration that really helped. I was able to look at my own actions. I got so deflated by calling and getting no response, that I eventually checked out. After a while, I gave up. Well, now my husband was in the same situation. Could I really expect him to keep calling when I did not? And did I really want him to stop trying?

The answer was absolutely no. Think about it. If you have two people who are both trying to prove a point, you might end up with two people who never reconnect. If you don’t put an end to the stalemate, it may become permanent. This may be OK if your marriage is no longer important to you. But if it is, not speaking for extended periods of time can be quite a risk. Things tend to get more and more awkward and it can be harder to jump back in the longer the silence is present.

Compromise Can Be Key And Can Allow You Both To Get What You Want: After thinking on this for a bit and having the silence eat away at me, I decided that a compromise was in order. In the beginning of my separation, I clearly overdid things. I was ready to jump the instant my husband snapped his fingers and this did nothing to encourage him to be respectful and reliable.

So it wasn’t a bad idea to sometimes not be available each and every time he called. But it was just a bad idea to NEVER talk to him. So I did start talking and texting. But, because I’d started to create a balance and didn’t act so desperate, things improved. I don’t think you have to jump to answer the phone each and every time.

But if you want to save your marriage, you should certainly answer it some or most of the time. Because if you are going to reconcile, you need to communicate. You need to get comfortable with one another again. You need to reestablish the trust, laugh again, and start to restore some of that intimacy.

None of this is going to be possible if you never communicate. Plus, restoring the communication is usually the first step in begin to date each other again. It’s difficult for one thing to exist without the other.

So while I completely understand why you may want to let the phone ring and the texts go unanswered, I don’t think that you want to do this indefinitely. He’s now reaching out to you, which is exactly what you wanted. But there is a point where you can take things too far. Consider seeing what he has to say. See how things go. And if you feel taken for granted, you can always take a step back. But he is your husband. And he’s reaching out to you. If your marriage is still important to you, I think it may pay to see what he has to say.

I know it’s hard to be open when you feel that he rejected you in the past.  I felt that way too. But if you want your marriage back, you have to take that first step.  I’m forever grateful that I took it because we are still married today.  And there was a period of time when I thought that would never be possible.  You can read more about that at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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