Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, I have to assume that your husband has either told you he wants a divorce, you’ve been served papers indicating the same, or you’ve heard information or have gotten vibes that talk of divorce is on the horizon. This article will focus on how you can save the marriage when you are the only one who wants to.

The Reasons For The Divorce Are Important, But Not As Important As The Actions That Follow: Many times, when the words divorce, trial separation, or splitting up are mentioned, the wife who disagrees and doesn’t want this scenario panics and immediately starts bombarding her husband with questions designed to ask why or the cause of the divorce in a million different ways. You might figure if you can pinpoint the exact cause, you can address this issue in order to change your spouse’s mind.

Although you deserve answers and this inclination is completely understandable, know that your husband probably did not come to this decision lightly and has likely thought it over for quite some time. Therefore, you may not be able to change his mind quickly or with only a few arguments, and hounding him is only going to put his defenses up more and drive him further away.

Men sometimes don’t even know the exact reasons they want a divorce or, if they do, they may not be able to articulate this. They often give vague reasons like “I’m just not happy,” “I’ve fallen out of love, ” or “This is just what I want right now.”

What this often really means is that they no longer feel the intimacy they once did and have therefore fallen out of love with the relationship and how it makes them feel. When a man is happy in a relationship or “in love,” this makes him feel confident, attractive, intelligent, competent, and alive. When the circumstances in the relationship no longer make him feel this way, he’s often extremely let down, so much so that he may seek this feeling again elsewhere or want to move on so he can find it somewhere else.

So, while you should absolutely ask your husband why he wants this divorce (and listen closely to his answers while watching his body language and the cues he gives off), the answer isn’t likely to give you the magic bullet you need to save the marriage. Instead, you’ll likely save it with your calculated actions designed to return the positive feelings and love that drew your husband to you in the first place. It’s vitally important that you return to a place where you both feel affection toward each other. If you don’t, it’s virtuously impossible to really work through your problems.

Tactics To Replace Negative Feelings With Positive Ones: If your husband wants a divorce, then right now, he likely has more negative than positive feelings about you and the relationship. In order to save your marriage, your job is to slowly, (through baby steps and, over time), replace these relationship-killing negative feelings with positive ones. This will not happen overnight and you can’t be too obvious about this or tell him what you are doing. If he gets wind this is calculated or part of a plan, then obviously, he’s going to dig in his heels to block you. (Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.)

Women have the inclination to want to fix things right away and this can lead to a feeling of desperation which can contribute to behavior and actions not typical of you which you may later regret. Work hard not to give in to these feelings. Remember that every time you interact with your husband, you need to appear contrary to the negative feelings he associates with you. This means presenting yourself as the vibrant, open-hearted, happy-go-lucky, interesting and intriguing person he first fell in love with. Yes, this might be hard when your heart is breaking. Yes, some people may say you are playing games. But, your ultimate goal is to make your husband think “I may have made a mistake. I want this fun, engaging person in my life and divorcing her will not achieve this goal.” He’s not going to do that if you’re nagging, questioning and communicating with him in a negative manner all of the time.

Tactics To Appear Attractive To Your Husband (More Mental Than Physical): When I say appearing attractive, I don’t necessarily mean in the physical sense. (However, I can’t stress enough that you should look your best when you encounter your husband). What I mean is that men want and value what they perceive as unique, rare, unattainable or worth waiting for. Never allow your wanting to save your marriage at all costs to give your power away. I understand you really want to stop all this divorce nonsense right now (because I’ve been in your shoes), but if your husband smells your desperation, believe it or not, he will actually find you more unattractive because of it. No, this isn’t fair, but it’s the way it is.

Knowing this then, your job is to appear, (every chance you get), as someone who’s sad about the divorce and wants to save the marriage, but who is making the best of the situation because they love and value themselves enough to do so. Get out, visit old friends, pursue what you once loved, and literally demonstrate to your husband that you’re an interesting, worthwhile, lovable person. If he sees that you love and respect yourself and you show him a glimpse of the woman he first fell in love with, I’d be willing to bet his attitude toward you is going to change dramatically.

Eventually, way down the road, if you’re going to save the marriage, you’re going to need to address the problems that allowed talks of divorce in the first place, but that’s for another time. Right now, your goal is to present to him the woman who elicits positive feelings in him and to show him that you love and respect her. I’d be willing to bet this will generate some interest and put you in a much better situation to save the marriage in the weeks to come.

But first things first. To begin, you need to unearth the exciting woman he wanted to commit to forever. You know this person intimately. She’s you. So, get moving. Control what you can right now (which is yourself and your own actions.) I know firsthand that doing so may be what turns this situation around.

How do I know this? Because I experienced it.  And I only came upon these tactics after making many mistakes that cost me dearly.  Thankfully, I was able to reestablish intimacy and avoid the divorce. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com