Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: Ask any five random people “what causes a divorce?” and you may hear a few different answers, but most people will likely answer with either “money,” “infidelity,” or “sex.” These factors are indeed thought to be the most common causes of divorce, but they’re only precursors to the number one cause of splitting up. Yes, these things may be the catalyst that leads to the real cause, (or the stressor that brought it on), but I’d argue they aren’t the sole or even primary cause.

That said, statistically speaking, here are the three factors that are known to lead to divorce.  However, if you don’t meet any of these criteria, keep reading, because I’d agree that there is another cause that is FAR more common – more on that later.

1. You Married Young: Statistics show that the younger a couple marries, the less likely they will stay that way. But, how many of us know grandparents or couples from church who married extremely young and still hold hands after decades of marriage? What is so special about them? Nothing, except their level of commitment. Ask them their “secrets” to keeping their marriage together and they’ll almost always say something like “never going to bed angry,” or “working through your problems,” etc. Simply put, this generation just did not believe that divorce was an option. Their cultural norm was to stay and work things out rather than to run away.

2. Your Parents Are Divorced: This one makes sense, in a way. The argument goes that if you didn’t have role models or you didn’t witness a strong marriage in which both partners communicated and worked through their problems, you won’t know how to do this when you yourself are married. But, here’s where this argument is flawed. If you are a child of divorce, you know firsthand how painful and devastating divorce can be. This can and should be a very strong motivator to save your marriage. And, you had a first-row seat to what not to do in a marriage or the mistakes to avoid when trying to save it. Simply put, learn from your parents’ mistakes. Use the resources and tools that are available to rise above your history.

3. Money Is A Factor: Statically, couples in lower-income brackets have higher rates of divorce than those in higher income brackets. Obviously, if you’re arguing over money or struggling to make ends meet, it’s going to strain your marriage, but I’ll go back to the example of the grandparents or the nice older couple from church, who very likely lived and/or raised children through the Depression. If you have love and commitment, those two things can be stronger than a lack of money. Frankly, a lack of money, (like any problem), can bring a couple closer together if they unite and work together to overcome it. And, there are very fun and creative ways that you can experience joy as a family that doesn’t cost a thing. Ever watch Extreme Home Makeover? If not, you should. It will introduce you to countless families who have lost everything but are often more close as a result.

As you can see, factors that could, should, or can strain your marriage don’t have to. Overcoming them just means having a higher level of commitment and determination.

What I Believe Is The Biggest Cause Of Divorce: The most common cause for a divorce is that one spouse decides that he or she would be happier without his / her spouse than with them. This is often called “falling out of love,” but what it really means is a lack of intimacy, closeness, or connectedness. When this happens, the unhappy spouse believes that since he no longer feels the close bond that he once did, (and often can’t imagine getting it back), he’d be better off ending the relationship. And since he/she no longer feels intimate, it’s much harder for him to remember what he once loved about his spouse, nor can he generally come up with actions or a plan that could save the relationship.

Most people intuitively understand this, whether they know it or not. Often, when the still connected spouse wants to save the marriage, he or she will go to great lengths to “prove” to the divorcing spouse that the intimacy is still there and/or can be returned.

While this is true, often the methods used to get this point across will only drive the disconnected spouse further away. People panic when divorce is mentioned and often, without having the time to think calmly about it, will beg, cajole, threaten, negotiate, and play various games to change the divorcing spouse’s mind. I did this initially and it truly got me nowhere. I had to work very hard to overcome the damage these actions caused.

The problem with this tactic is that they paint you in a very unflattering light and your spouse often feels even more disconnected from you as a result. Your goal when you want to save your marriage is to demonstrate that you are the same kind, light-hearted, interesting, loving, and fun person that your spouse originally fell in love with. If you can show this person (rather than the desperate one who can understandably surface in his or her place) the chances are much more likely that intimacy can eventually return.

Of course, how you do this is vitally important. If your partner senses that this is fake or game playing, it will erode the relationship, intimacy, and trust even further. It’s very important to work on yourself so that the person your spouse sees during this difficult and critical time is the one you want to present and the one that will give you the best chance to stop the divorce.

It is also important to accurately identify the issues that are harming the marriage and gradually address them as your marriage is able to withstand the scrutiny and as your spouse is willing.) Don’t try to tackle every issue at one time. For the fixes to “stick” and not feel painful, they need to be gradual.

It took me a long time to learn this lesson and I wasted a lot of time before I did, but I did save my marriage through research, learning new skills, and dumb luck. You can read that story of how I stopped my impending divorce (when I was the only one who wanted to) at my blog located at http://isavedmymarriage.com