Leslie Cane Articles

If you’re reading this article, chances are you’re in a place where you’re researching going through or preventing divorce and/or saving your marriage. However you got to this point, it’s likely that either you or your partner have mentioned or requested a breakup, separation, or divorce. For purposes of this article, I am writing from the position of the spouse who wants to save the marriage, as that is where my personal experience lies.

Your Spouse May Not Have A Firm Handle On His Reasons For Wanting Out: I know the title of this article may seem strange, but bear with me when I argue that the reasons your spouse gives for the divorce aren’t as important as your reactions to them (and the subsequent actions you later take.) That’s because what your spouse initially says may not even be accurate, (even though they may think that it is), and his or her feelings on the split (and the reasons for it) usually aren’t well defined either. The same will likely be true for you, which is why it’s so important to have control over your actions.

In this article, I won’t be talking about abusive or troublesome situations. What I’m discussing is stopping a divorce that stems from common issues like a lack of communication and intimacy, misunderstandings or reoccurring arguments that can be worked out.

Obviously, even the slightest mention of the word divorce (no matter how you’ve delivered it) can cause dramatic reactions. The threat of splitting up can bring about panic, anger, confusion, and desperation on the part of both spouses. This can cause a person to act in ways that aren’t typical or normal, especially in the beginning.

Likewise, the spouse that is requesting the divorce can also have conflicting, mixed feelings and trouble communicating them. Sometimes, the divorcing spouse can’t verbalize, (or may not even know), the true reasons he’s requesting the breakup other than vague statements like “It’s just what I want,” or “I don’t feel it anymore,” “I’ve fallen out of love,” or “I just think it’s best.”

Worse, the partner who wants out sometimes sends out mixed signals. They may hold and reassure you or they may send out aggressive or standoffish vibes via conflicting body language like clenched lips, folded arms, shifting their weight back and forth, or having trouble looking you in the eye. No matter what they are doing, they are likely reacting from a place where they’re simply frustrated that (from their point of view) intimacy and closeness have left.

This leaves the rejected spouse in a difficult position since this person has the absolute right to know why their partner wants a divorce or to end the marriage. Of course, they are entitled to answers and certainly want to know just how sure the spouse who initiated the divorce is about this decision. It’s completely natural to react strongly.

Why Your Reaction Is Everything: It’s best to remember that for initial strategic purposes, the reasons given for the divorce don’t matter as much as your reaction to them. Attempt to gauge your partner’s true feelings/reasoning as a yardstick to see what you need to accomplish to come to save the marriage, but don’t use it as a means to debate with your partner or prove to them why they are wrong.

What matters now is that for whatever reason, at this time (which doesn’t mean it won’t change tomorrow or in the future) your partner feels that it is better to leave the relationship than to stay. Your goal is to eventually encourage this to change, but not in a way that will further damage the relationship or make your spouse think you’ve forced him into “giving in.” Remember that it’s likely that the divorcing spouse is every bit as emotionally turned around as you are. Try to imagine his or her emotional confusion and turmoil at coming to this decision (I know how difficult this is.)

I believe the best thing to do can be to take whatever your partner says at face value (initially.) Once he or she has explained (even if it’s vague and unacceptable), don’t continue to question and/or badger him/her. Don’t accuse or try to negotiate or engage.

What you’re doing here is buying time until you are both less emotional, volatile and vulnerable. I believe the ideal situation (which I wish I had followed) would be to ask if you can revisit this at a future date when both of you have had time to reflect. Your spouse may say no in the heat of the moment. That’s OK because your goal here is to begin (and continue to) present yourself in a flattering light.

You will build on this calm as you go forward in communications. When you see that your lines of questioning or discussions are going nowhere, then it’s time to stop.

Why It’s Important To Stay The Course: You may be wondering when it’s too late for this. Perhaps you’ve already gone through the initial and subsequent discussions and it’s not heading where you’d like it to and you still can’t get a handle on your partner’s true feelings about the divorce. It’s never too late to take a step back and attempt to return to neutral. The best thing to do is to lay the foundation for positive communications in the future.

You do this by remaining calm, and as receptive and understanding as you can possibly manage. You may even want to find some issue on which you can agree with your spouse and validate him or her. Again, I know this can be difficult and goes against your natural inclination, but laying a foundation for future improvement / saving the marriage is really your goal and you can’t reach that if your spouse is avoiding you.

However, in saying this I do not mean you should be a doormat. It’s perfectly OK to communicate that you don’t agree and are disappointed. But, tread lightly here and remember the goal is to strengthen (rather than stall or slow) future communication.

Understand that you can eventually and slowly dig deeper, but that should only be your end goal. You have to realize that saving a marriage takes time and is usually very gradual. You won’t be able to make any huge changes or get any answers immediately. But, if you play your cards right, you will set it up to get these later when you are on more solid /stable ground. And really, any information gathered ultimately matters only in how it helps you forge the ACTIONS that will save the marriage. Requesting anything else can just muddy the waters.

This advice comes from personal experience. I wish I had known then what I know now. Although I reacted very badly initially, I was able to change my attitude and save my marriage.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com