Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Separated wives sometimes ask me if their husbands might feel any regret for initiating the separation. I believe that it depends on the situation. Some separated husbands can and do feel regret.

But what many separated wives don’t think about (or don’t anticipate) are the regrets that they, themselves, might feel. Because in my own experience, I felt a great deal of regrets. Some of them were because of mistakes I made during the separation, and others were regrets I had during the marriage.

This article will outline those regrets. The hope is that if you are feeling them too, you won’t feel so alone. Or if you are early on in the separation process, you might know what to expect. Better yet, perhaps you will learn from my mistakes and be able to avoid these regrets. 

Regret for Allowing Things in My Marriage to Fester: I’ll start with the regrets that manifested themselves in my marriage and followed me into my separation. Looking back, it is clear to me now that my husband dropped several not-so-subtle hints very early on that he was unhappy. In truth, I just didn’t want to see or hear it. I was busy and focused on myself, and I did not want to deal with his complaining.

Well, eventually, he got tired of nothing ever changing. And he got so frustrated with the stagnation that he threw up his hands, and we eventually separated as a result. Had I paid attention early on, perhaps I could have avoided the trauma and uncertainty of being separated that followed. 

The Low Depths I Allowed Myself to Drop to During the Separation: As I alluded to above, I operated on a mode of denial during the time my husband was unhappy. Because of this denial, I just wasn’t prepared when he left. One day he was there. The next day he was not. And he did not want to regularly communicate with me after he walked out the door. 

So I went from having someone constantly in my life, to having a big hole in my life and suddenly feeling very, very alone.  

I had friends and family reaching out to me from the jump. Unfortunately, though, I isolated myself because I just didn’t my gloominess and depression to infect anyone else. Of course, this made my gloominess and depression worse and worse.

The lonelier I got, the more desperate I got. And the more desperate I got, the more I bothered my husband and acted in ways that made me look like a very unattractive, out-of-control crazy woman. 

Needless to say, my husband wanted to be around me less – not more. The cycle continued while I only made things harder for myself.

Thankfully, I eventually had to change course simply as a method of self-preservation. Very slowly and gradually, I clawed myself back into my husband’s life. But I made a huge mess of things before that happened.

Not Trying to Improve Things Sooner: As I described above, I got into a serious funk during my separation. And while I was in it, I suppose I was hoping that things would just magically change. I prayed my husband would just change his mind or that enough time would pass that he would get lonely. Notice that all of these wishes were focused on him – not on myself. 

The truth of the matter is that I needed to take the initiative. I needed to draw on my own strength. I needed to educate myself. And I wasted much time wallowing in the mire rather than picking myself up. I ultimately did all of these things. But it took far too long, and therefore, I wasted much precious time.

Initially Putting Myself on the Shelf and My Life on Hold During the Separation: I hoped that my separation would be short-lived. So I was basically holding my breath initially and just not living my life. I didn’t go out. I didn’t try to better myself. I sulked around eating junk food and watching binge-TV. I gained weight. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but I didn’t stop my behavior.

It wasn’t until I was forced to change my own behavior that I started to realize that my well-being and happiness were every bit as important as my husband’s. Once I made this realization, I started working on myself, practicing self-care, keeping a journal, going to counseling, working out, taking classes, and spending time with loved ones.

Not only did this change my life, but it got my husband’s attention. Quite frankly, I wasn’t even prioritizing myself in this way before I was separated. I just didn’t make it a habit. Instead, I typically put myself last – as many women do. 

I now realize that a healthy marriage requires two healthy individuals. If I’m not my best self, I can’t have my best marriage. So taking care of myself is actually a part of taking care of my marriage.

Today, I make no apologies for extreme self-care. I have learned that if I don’t take care of myself, no one is going to. I’m the only one who can make that happen, so I do.

Hopefully, the above list of regrets might help someone else to avoid them. Always remember that things change. There was a time in my own separation when I was sure I would be divorced and alone. I am not. I am still married. I was able to turn it around despite plenty of regretful behavior. You can read about how I did that at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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