Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who read my articles know that I believe one of the best ways you can help yourself during your marital separation is to make the time work for you by working on yourself.

By that, I mean practicing extreme self-care and doing the things that make you happy, help you grow, or allow you relief in some way. How this practice looks is going to vary from person to person because we are all different.

Just to give you an example for myself, I journaled, worked out, took some classes, reconnected with friends, and immersed myself in things in which my husband just would not have been interested. And I’m going to be honest. I only did these things when I was forced to initially. I only relented once my husband made it clear that he wasn’t going to make time for me right then.

So I reluctantly started self-care without much enthusiasm, but I persisted because I had so much time on my hands and I was trying to fight off boredom and isolation. 

And it was a good thing I did because I think it made my husband respect me a little more, and it forced the space and break that needed to happen for my husband to become interested again.

This said, I’ve had people ask me how in the world you’re supposed to do this when your husband’s interest waxes and wanes.  

Someone might say something like this: “I am only making a show of working on myself, to be honest. I come home from work, and I just don’t have much energy or patience for anything or anyone else. I don’t want people to see me like this. So when my husband is not receptive to me, I just go inward and isolate myself.”

“However, there will also be times when my husband will show the slightest interest in me, and then my energy levels will go up, and at that time, I am somewhat able to put some effort into self-improvement for a short while. However, when I feel him pull away, the cycle starts over again.”

” I think I’ve actually convinced him that I am working on myself – which is good – but it’s not really true. I’m only working on myself part-time and I know that isn’t ideal. I know that I need to do better and actually make some changes. How can I work on myself when my husband is so wishy-washy and his interest waxes and wanes?”

This is a very valid question, and don’t be fooled. I struggled with this too. Below, I’ll share some things that helped me tackle this.

Ask Friends or Family Members to Hold You Accountable: I’m the first to admit how lucky I was that I had friends, coworkers, and family members who just weren’t willing to allow me to beg off. 

And when I would try to beg off, I would sometimes ask people to keep calling me despite my unwillingness to get with the program. 

If you don’t have a support system who just won’t let you go, ask your people to keep asking you to join them even if you tell them that you don’t want to. Everyone knows that getting out of the house is good for you, so ask them to keep right on asking even when you try to say no.

Spend Some Money or Commit Some Time: I don’t have any problem admitting that I’m pretty cheap – or frugal – if that is a nicer way to say it. And I was particularly cheap during my separation because I was afraid that I would soon be supporting myself.

So paying for classes was a splurge for me. Paying for a gym was a luxury that a relative gifted me with. Thankfully, I wasn’t about to waste my money or theirs on a regular basis, and this helped keep me on track.

So when I was tempted to skip out on something, I would remind myself that it was already bought and paid for, and I owed it to myself and my relative to get my money’s worth.

Make a Standing Date: One nice thing about taking the classes was that they met every Tuesday night. So I knew that I had that commitment and outlet. 

I also joined a mental health / self-care support group that was free and met once per week. Again, it was harder to beg off when I knew that these things were on my calendar, and I knew regular attendees (who I’d come to care about) were going to be there, and I didn’t want to let anyone down. 

Remind Yourself that You are Doing this for YOU: I will admit to you that initially, I did the “work on myself” thing for the benefit of my husband’s perception of me. But I didn’t stop because I learned that I was helping myself.

My husband and I reconciled and are doing great today. But I still go to that mental health support group. I still work out. I’m not doing these things for my husband’s perception anymore. I’m motivated because I find both things to be beneficial to me – mentally and physically. 

And your marriage is only as strong as the two people within it. I always try to remind myself that the stronger I can make myself, the better the chance that my marriage will remain strong.  

I do understand the challenges with staying motivated when you are separated. And I certainly had days or even weeks when I withdrew and didn’t do what I knew I needed to do. But I was able to right myself eventually. 

There’s no harm in stumbling a little along the way as long as you eventually get back up and walk tall.

Don’t beat yourself up too much if you are struggling with this.  Just take it day by day and try to do one thing each day that contributes to your self-care, growth, or relief.  You’re welcome to read about the process I eventually stumbled into to get my marriage back at https://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin