Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes tell wives that very often the most powerful tactic to getting your husband back is doing those things that work but don’t feel intuitive.  It’s not necessarily thinking about what you want to do and then doing the opposite, but often the things that feel right at the time are the things that cause lasting damage that can be hard to overcome.

What I mean by that is that it’s very natural to allow the severity of the situation (and your fear) to lead your actions rather than thinking this through.  For example, it can feel really good at the time to give your husband an earful or to bombard him with questions about why he is doing this.  It can be very satisfying to tell him that you think he’s being selfish right now, but in the end, these things are only going to confirm (to him at least) that he was right all along.

Instead, to get him back, you often need to swim against the tide and act in a way that he wouldn’t expect.  You need to get his attention and to give him pause, but often we go about doing this in negative ways.  Below, I’ll tell you tactics that often get husbands back through positive, not negative, reinforcement.

Never Do Or Say Anything That You Can’t Take Back Or That Would Significantly Weaken Your Position: I often give women this phrase to help keep them on track when they are negotiating getting their husbands back.  I’ll tell you now what almost never works, at least long term, yet we all do it.

What annoys a husband more than anything (and pushes him further away) is the wife who goes completely over top and takes the “get his attention at all cost” approach. She stalks.  She argues.  She belittles.  She threatens.  Then, when that doesn’t work, she lays all of the desperate cards on the table and tells him that she can’t possibly live without him.  Often, when that doesn’t work, she’ll swing the other way and try to play the jealousy or seduction cards.

The problem with these things is that they cause confusion and negative emotions in your husband.  He sees this as Jekyll / Hyde type behavior and he can often see this as being volatile and unstable.  Often in this environment, although he may feel pity and guilt, he really can’t get away fast enough.  And, do you really want your husband coming back to you because he feels responsibility or sorrow – or do you want him there because that’s where he genuinely wants to be?

First Validation, Then Silence: Hopefully, you now see that the things that feel so right and satisfying when you’re doing them are often, in reality, quite wrong. So, here’s where we go out on a limb and do the thing he’s not expecting.  This tactic works because it is based on undeniable human nature.  Everyone wants to be right and everyone wants to be heard.  Validation is the single most important way to get started.  You want for your husband to know without a doubt that you’ve heard him, understood him, and that, although you may not agree, you respect his right to his feelings and wishes.

After all, you’re the person who promised to honor him.  So, now’s the time to make good on that.  I often tell wives to go right ahead and agree that his assessment of the marriage is dead on.  Yep, he’s not happy.  Yes, he has the right to be.  No, this has been no picnic in the park for you either.  And this is upsetting because you once loved each other so much.  But, you both do deserve to be content and secure.  So for your part, your goal is going to be interacting with him in a way that moves you both toward the goal of both being happier and more at peace and away from things as they stand now (the two of you moving further apart.)  It often helps to concede that you realize that you can’t control his thoughts and feelings and wouldn’t dare try.  Your simple goal is to just interact with him on a more positive level.

Now, maybe pulling this off is going to be difficult because you’ve already been doing the opposite of this. Or, maybe you feel that you will choke on these words or not quite be able to be convincing because you really don’t feel this way.  You can overcome this.  First, you may not really feel this way, but you need to take one for the team right now.  Second, maybe you’ve come across completely differently prior to this, but you can calmly and convincingly state that you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and you’ve realized that you’ve had a change of heart.

Once you’ve said what you need to say, lay low.  Don’t follow him around to see if the plan is working.  Let him come to you.  With your words, you’ve insinuated that you were sincere, non-threatening, and respectful.  Now, it’s time to follow that up with your actions.

Appearing And Actually Being Who He Really Wants:  Often when I get to this part, wives will ask some variation of “what, do you want me to pretend to be somewhat I’m not? Do you want me to lie to him?” Absolutely not. No, I don’t.  But, I want you to think about who you were when he first fell in love with you and contrast that with who you were when he wanted out.  I am pretty sure that these are two different people, right?

And, in asking that question, I’m not casting blame.  I completely understand that as women, we juggle a million and two things and this can sort of drown out the happy go lucky, open person we once were.  But, I need to tell you that the smiling, attentive, positive person that he fell in love with is the one he wants.  I can not tell you how many men tell me that their wives have changed drastically and no longer have any time for anything other than the job, the friends, and the kids.

This has to shift immediately. He has to know that, once things are back on track, you will make him a priority.  But, first, you have to turn his head.  Again, I’m going to tell you to do what’s not intuitive.  Many women will show up somewhere all dressed up and playing the seduction game.  This sometimes works if you play it right.  But, I often think it’s better to let him come to you. So, how can you turn his head without making the first move? You have him find out what’s going on by proxy.  Surely, you have mutual friends. Surely, the things that you do get back to him?

There are really three steps to this process.  First, you dust yourself off, dress yourself up, and you go out and have a genuinely good time. You see your friends and you do the things that give you pleasure.  Try not to do this just for the sake of doing it.  Everyone has something that is a good time for them. Do whatever that is.

Second, make sure that he knows you’re doing it.  You can accomplish this through mutual friends or by bumping into him during this (make sure it is convincing.)

Third, you’re going to want to show him you still can be the woman that he loved way back in the day.  This is who he wants.  And, I’m not asking you to change who you are or to lie.  You already are her.  She’s you and always was.  But, life and obligations got in the way. Now’s the time to take her back.

Getting my own husband back forced me to swim against the tide many times. But, looking back, this was the only thing that actually brought him back willingly and fully committed. By using these tactics, I was able to not only restore his love and interest, but to save our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/